Lazy longhorn envy

Frank is a longhorn. Several of my cousins are longhorns. My brother is a longhorn. My favorite college professor is a longhorn. I live in Austin.

I hear about high school kids getting into UT for college, and every time I see a friend's UT diploma displayed, a part of me becomes very jealous. I associate UT as Texas' version of Harvard. I've never been a UT student, but Frank and I are season ticket holders for many UT performing arts events.

I've earned my Bachelor's degree, and my Master's. The only degree I have yet to earn is my Doctorate, a degree I aspire to earn. But I don't know if I ever will. If I ever go for a Doctorate, it'll more than likely be in music education, or as the UT Butler School of Music calls it, a Ph.D. in Music and Human Learning. I love how that sounds.

In my head, I have this association with UT that if I don't ever get admitted to UT, I'll never reach my highest educational potential. For me, getting a Ph.D. from UT is essentially being a genius. But UT is very competitive. Extremely competitive. They have limited spots for their Ph.D. programs, and applicants from all over the world apply to get in. What kind of chance do I have?

Now, is it possible for me to get admitted? Yes, of course it is. Is it probable, probably not. It can happen, but it probably won't. I've done my research of what's required to get admitted, and admission requires several things I'm not prepared or motivated enough to do:

-Take the GRE test (I loathe that exam; well, I'm bad at standardized tests in general). 
-Take music diagnostic exams (All together, they're about 3 hours long). To take these exams, I'd have to majorly brush up on my familiarity with music history, scores identification skills, and so many other things, because Ph.D. candidates should be able to teach just about any course a university has them teach. I know I'm not at that level of qualification.
-Have at least 3 years of teaching experience.

I'll be 100% honest: I'm obsessed with the idea of being a longhorn more than I care to roll up my sleeves to do the work necessary to become one. I just want to apply, get in, take my classes, and write my dissertation. I want a prestigious UT diploma that declares me to be a Doctor of Philosophy in Music and Human Learning. But I can't do that. If I want to get in, I need to study for and take the GRE, review several music history books, familiarize myself with as many scores as I can from every major era of music history, and be able to take 4-part melodic dictation. And the only thing stopping me from doing all this is my own laziness.

Because of this inner demon, I don't know if I'll ever be motivated enough to do all the work required to get the highest degree possible from one of the best universities in the country.

Playing devil's advocate, let's say I do get in. I'm already paying off student loans I took out for my Master's degree. I still have a good 17 years before those are paid off. If I pursue the Ph.D., I'll have to defer loan payments, and add to the debt as well. That's the only way I could afford to go.

Also, one can only apply to UT Doctoral programs in the fall semester. And that deadline is for admission starting the FOLLOWING fall. So if I get everything done this year to get in, I wouldn't start until fall 2013. Yep. That's how it works.

Frank has suggested that I simpy apply to get in and take classes refresher courses, but not apply to the School of Music. Getting admitted to the university is one thing; getting admitted into a specialized program is entirely another.

UT has been on my mind a lot lately since the end of this school year quickly approaches. I don't know how many high school students are getting admitted to UT. But I know plenty will be there. And when I go to campus for any event, I see longhorns with backpacks on, and I desperately want to be one of them.

*sigh* A dream that is realistically accessible, yet internally and mentally out of reach. We are our own worst enemies when it comes to achieving our goals and dreams.

Either way, GO LONGHORNS!