I have a (stupid) problem that's all in my head

My partner Frank went to the University of Texas at Austin and is therefore a Longhorn. My brother and some other extended family are Longhorns. My mentor in college who changed my life in helping me start my career is a Longhorn. I live in Austin, home of the Longhorns. Cars everywhere (including Frank's) are adorned with chrome Longhorn emblems. Our home address (and other neightbors' addresses) are painted in burnt orange on driveway entrance with the Longhorn logo in white. We have a MASSIVE Bevo stuffed animal that we won at Dave & Busters (an adult Chuck E. Cheese). Frank owns several Longhorn polo shirts and t-shirts.We have Longhorn decor inside our home. Frank's car also has a UT license plate frame, and tire caps.

Here's my problem. I never attended UT, and in my mind, I can't buy myself any merchandise supporting a university I never attended, much less never graduated from.

*sigh* I know it's no big deal. There are plenty of people all decked out in their UT glory, and they'll do it for one, some, or all of the following reasons:

1. They graduated from UT.
2. They're hardcore college football fans and are die-hard UT supporters.
3. Someone they know goes or went there.
4. They support UT's programs.
5. Anything else that gives them an excuse to buy UT merchandise.

In my mind, I can't personally connect to UT unless I'm a student or alumnus of the university. I've been to college. I attended Texas A&M International University (Dustdevils) in Laredo, my hometown. From there, I was determined to apply and be accepted to UT for my Master's, and got rejected, so I ended up at and graduated from Texas State University (Bobcats - aka Southwest Texas State University). After finishing, I wanted to pursue my Ph.D. at UT, and got rejected again. I believe I could've been accepted to UT as an undergrad, but I elected to stay at home because it would be much less expensive, plus my mentor taught there, and I wanted to stay with him. I don't regret that decision. I'm proud of my education from TAMIU.

But I long to be a Longhorn, an official Longhorn.

The only way for me to conform to my mind's issue is to apply and be accepted to UT to earn another degree, but I already have my Bachelor's and Master's, so all that's left is my Ph.D., and UT Ph.D. programs are EXTREMELY competitive. You stand a much greater chance of being accepted if you're already a UT student, than if you've never been there before. I know which program I'd like to apply for (Music and Human Learning), but I'm not in the position right now to pursue the most difficult degree out there. Not to mention, I probably don't possess the maturity or commitment required of such a demanding program. So I start thinking to myself, Should I get another Bachelor's or Master's degree? If I get another graduate degree, I'd have to take the GRE again...which. I. loathe...and take enough time to brush up on all kinds of things the School of Music would test me on. I know I'm too lazy to commit myself to that...right now, at least.

I've been reminded that since we are season ticket holders to the UT Performing Arts events, I have every reason to buy myself Longhorn merchandise, but to me, it's not the same.

I yearn to be an official Longhorn, especially since I've been denied the opportunity twice.

It's one of my greatest dreams to be a UT student, and hold a diploma from this reputable institution, one that claims "What starts here changes the world." I could be on campus somewhere, walking through and see all the students with backpacks, knowing they're students, and I think to myself, What do they have that I don't?

I've been telling Frank that I want the Ph.D. because it's the highest degree one can earn, and if earned from UT, then your degree has that much more weight (that's just how I see it). I know that if you want a Ph.D. just so you can be addressed as "Dr. So-and-so," that's probably the worst reason to earn one. However, what I'm starting to realize is that I don't just want to have those 3 letters after my name on an e-mail signature or business card. It would be awesome to hold that degree from there, but I just genuinely want to be accepted to UT.

What made this harder to deal with is that since the Ph.D. is the last degree I'd be interested in earning, I refuse to go out of state to earn it. In Texas, I've checked, and without relocating, UT is the closest and ONLY university that offers a Ph.D. in my chosen field...THE ONLY ONE.

I own TAMIU and Texas State merchandise, and I wear and use them with great pride...because I went and graduated from there. I have a TAMIU license plate frame, a Texas Sate Alumni license plate frame, a chrome Bobcat on my car, a TAMIU and Texas State polo and t-shirt, and I still have my old student IDs. Both of my diplomas are proudly framed in my room with their respective pennants right beside them.

But now I feel stuck. I even spoke to my mom about this, and in my current career, teaching elementary music, I'm making the most money I can make since I have a Master's. Earning a Ph.D. would NOT increase my salary at all, so there's no financial incentive. However, Frank's also reminded me that earning a Ph.D or another Bachelor's or Master's could give me different career opportunities as well.

It's such a stupid thing that resides in my mind. And the worst part is that I can't seem to get around it. It feels like I HAVE to be a UT student to truly connect with this city, and all the burnt orange glory that surrounds me daily.

All that being said, "HOOK 'EM!"