Be yourself.* (*Some restrictions apply)

I'm not sure where else besides Texas it may exist, but Texas is an "at will" state where employees can be fired "at will" of the employer. Granted, if you have given your employer a good reason to fire you, then by all means, you're screwed for poor conduct, or a poor choice of words or actions. The gay community has been advocating support for Congress to pass ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) which would protect people like me for getting fired simply because of our sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression. In Texas, we don't have that protection.

I'm a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher. I'm an elementary teacher who loves his job, gets paid an amount that supports a comfortable lifestyle. I'm also an elementary teacher who happens to be gay. My colleagues know, but my students? If they do, they don't bring it up, and I keep it completely private because it's frankly none of their business. Besides, they're likely not old enough to understand what being gay means, unless they watch Glee or Modern Family. Boys that age are still repulsed by girls, and girls typically feel mutually.

I've made it a professional - and personal - goal to never lie to my students. Ever. If I do or say something where I truly am at fault, I'll take ownership of it to model the importance of responsibility and self-accountability. Because of my insistence in never lying to them, I've had to answer a question I'd prefer not to be asked:

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yes. [I used to say this because I truly do feel married...even though I honestly am not, legally or otherwise, but because I felt married, saying "Yes" was an honest response.]

That was during my first 2 years teaching. As the next few years went by, I re-evaluated this response and concluded that if I answer this question - which kids inevitably ask because they're naturally curious about their teachers' personal lives - I may get a follow-up question whose response could be honest, but not to my preference of honesty:

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
Student: What's your wife's name?

I can't answer that question honestly unless I reply "That's private" or "None of your business." Technically, it's an honest answer. But, why is a spouse's name private? I don't think there's anything wrong with being asked that question. I find nothing invasive about it, except that I don't have a wife. So, in order to maintain my privacy, and still model honesty, I've changed my response to the first question:

Student: Are you married?
Me: That's none of your business.

I'm far more comfortable answering that, because I do feel like I'm being honest and protecting my privacy all at the same time. I just stop them early and prevent myself from having to lie about an even less private question. Of course once asked, and after answering, I change the subject immediately. I do wear my commitment ring on the appropriate finger. In fact, I never take it off. They can draw their own conclusions, I just won't help them do it. I've had a couple of students ask me this year:

Student: Are you married?
Me: That's none of your business.
Another student: See his ring? Of course he's married.

They're saying it; I'm not. The way I see it, they're drawing their own conclusion, and I'm not lying at all. I'm stating the truth, that some aspects of my personal life truly are none of their business. Further, I show them they won't get more information than "That's none of your business." Also, it gives their curiosity a dead end before they use it to probe further.


When I know I'm in safe environments, I'm free to be myself completely. But what if I go to a movie theatre, shopping center, park, or restaurant? So many couples show that they're someone's boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife by simply holding hands in public. It's a strong, common social statement. Some go as far as to share a kiss among passers-by. Even if any of those straight couples are teachers like me, if they're spotted by a student, the student's reaction may be something like:

Student: Oh, there's my teacher! Hi! *waves*
Teacher: Hi there! *waves back*

But what if that teacher is me? Frank and I could be at the mall, and I may want to hold his hand. Harmless, right? What if a student was to see me holding him? When kids see their teacher in public somewhere outside school, the next day, they'll tell the teacher: "I saw you at [insert location here]!"

One night, around 8 or 9 pm, I went to Best Buy with Frank. It was a school night. Inside, I spotted one of my first grade students. I wasn't seen. The next morning, a 5th grader approached me:

Student: I saw you last night.
Me: Where? At the grocery store? (I had been there after leaving school that day.)
Student: No, at Best Buy.
Me: Oh, yes, I was there.

The scary part is that I never saw that student...but they saw me. Had I let myself be uninhibited that evening, that conversation wouldn't have ended there:

Student: You were holding another guy's hand!

How do I get out of that without lying?

Worst case scenario is that one of my students has the type of parents that are ignorant enough to think that if their child's teacher is gay, it may influence their child to be gay too, and then because there is no employment protection for gay people in Texas, I could lose my job since Texas is also an "at will" state. I realize I could be overreacting, but I don't want to risk it either.

Despite whatever sacrifice I, and other gay teachers may have to make in public to keep our income uninterrupted to pay bills, what upsets me more is a great hypocrisy in this country:

We teach children to "be yourself." There should be no asterisk (*) after that statement with fine print to read where "Some restrictions apply". When we add those restrictions, we place conditions on our love for our children. And our children are our future.

Kids learn differently, and schools, by law, accommodate them. Gay people love differently, and the workplace, by law, should accommodate us.