It Gets Better: My (Coming Out) Story

DISCLAIMER:
I have a reason for posting my It Gets Better story as a blog post as opposed to a video: I'm not out to my students, and I don't plan to come out to any of them until they're at least high school graduates. If I post a video, I don't want to be "discovered" by a student on YouTube. That's the last thing I want: "Hey! That's my music teacher!" Besides, my orientation is none of their business, and has no effect on their lives at all. But when I post my blogs online, I share the link on Facebook, and since I have several hundred Facebook friends, they are my primary audience. And any of them might need that extra push to come out or keep going. I feel my story is relevant and important because of the city where I grew up, the religious tradition I've practiced, and the kind of family and friends I have.

I'm choosing to post this today, on March 12, 2012, because it's my 11th anniversary of having come out, so the date is significant for me.

I'm 30 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I've always felt I was different. Always. From preschool to high school, I never felt like one of the regular boys in my classes. Just inside, I knew I was different. But for years, I didn't know how different.

I was born and raised in a Texas-Mexico border town, Laredo (pop. approx. 250K), and lived there until I graduated from college. Until college, I had been in private Catholic schools. For years, I was usually very socially awkward, so I never made friends very easily at school. My friends were my cousins. I'm one of 18 grand kids on my mom's side alone. I'm also the only gay family member.

Growing up and going to school in a predominantly Catholic border town, Laredo was (and still is) its own little bubble of a world. There's a strong Hispanic community (as that is most of the Laredoans there), and a strong Christian community (both Catholic and non-Catholic). As for other social diversity organization, not so much...at least, not when I lived there. Because of this "bubble" quality, my parents made it a point to get us as cultured as possible, exposing us to different languages, different music, art, and food from around the world, and took us on a couple of trips to Europe as well. So to foreshadow, when I realized I was gay, coming out wasn't hard, and I credit my family for that.

ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS

My earliest memories of having been attracted to anyone go as far back as kindergarten. Between kinder and 8th grade, I had major crushes on two different girls in my class. I had a crush on "A" for a few years, and then "A2" came around, and I thought she walked on water. Then for a couple of years, my crushes for either were gone, but by 8th grade, my crush on "A2" came back. However, I noticed something change within me.

While I was an adolescent crushing on the same girl...again...I was starting to notice boys, too. Like, really, I just started noticing, and what I was once oblivious to, was now starting to catch and hold my attention. At first I didn't think much of it. I thought a guy was good looking, so I was aesthetically appreciating their looks.

HIGH SCHOOL YEARS

But then high school began, and I was not only appreciating boys' physical appearance, I was starting to develop romantic feelings too, wanting to hold their hand, hug them and kiss them. As the high school years went by, I was crushing on both guys and girls, but less on girls, and more on guys. I hadn't shared my sentiments with anyone, because I wasn't sure about anything yet. I knew that if I was gay, I needed to be sure about it before coming out.

To backtrack a little, at one point during my high school years, I considered myself "bicurious". And because I felt comfortable enough, I talked to my dad about my "bicuriosity" explaining that I was crushing on both guys and girls, and didn't know what I was.

His response: "Enjoy your confusion. You're not out to hurt anyone or yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself, and be the best you can be of whoever God made you to be."

Awesome dad, right? I know. That's love right there.

SANITY-SAVING ADVICE

Fast-forward to high school graduation (2000). That summer after graduating, my dad had invited me to go on a pilgrimage to Rome to see Pope John Paul II. It would be my 3rd trip to Europe, but this time we were going to countries and cities I hadn't been to, like Paris, France, and other French cities before making our way through Italy, ending the journey in Rome. At this time, I was heavily involved in my faith. I went on retreats, went to Mass regularly, and while preparing for the pilgrimage, I had this short discussion with Dad:

Me: Dad, one of the main reasons I'm going on this pilgrimage is because I want God to tell me who I am.
Dad: No, no, son. Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be.

Take it in. It was heavy, and awesome. Re-read it if you have to. That's my dad.

The 2-week pilgrimage to Rome was in early August 2000. Though I have lots of memories about the trip, there's one very strong memory that I love. I had made friends with a guy there, and yes, I thought he was cute, but I knew he was straight. We had become good enough friends to where I opened up about my bicuriosity. He was always cool with me, and I'm so grateful for his friendship because the pilgrimage tested me in many ways. One day, we got on our bus, and we sat next to each other. The bus was always freezing. We had a blanket, and I asked him,

"Is it okay if I hold your hand?"
"Yeah, sure," he answered.

I held his hand, and though I knew we weren't boyfriends, the simple feeling of holding another boy's hand brought me so. much. peace. It felt like a confirmation of what my heart had been telling me for several years. I held his hand, and I felt loved. I felt peace. I felt fully connected to myself. It was amazing!

COLLEGE YEARS...THE TRUTH CAME OUT

Upon our return, I had started college. In that semester, I had met and started briefly dating my first and only girlfriend, "E".

Wait...what? Girlfriend? But you just held a guy's hand, loved it, and now you're with a girl?

Yes. Let me explain. Despite my immensely positive experience holding my friend's hand, I still wanted to be fair and give a relationship with a girl a chance. How often have I heard, "You just haven't found the right girl" or "How do you know you're gay if you've never even had a girlfriend?" Because I knew I'd face questioning like this, I felt I owed it to myself to try being in a straight relationship before I let my heart take me in any other direction.

So, during our relationship, I had confided in her that I considered myself "bicurious", and she was supportive and just said, "Well, if you learn that you are, let me know." So we were together for 6 weeks in that Fall semester, but we didn't break up because I came out (because that didn't happen for a few more months); we broke up because we decided we'd be better off as friends. We've remained friends to this day. A few months went by, and every day, again like in high school, I'd wake up asking myself, "Am I gay or straight?" One day, March 12, 2001, I woke up, and I just...knew. I thought to myself, Yep, I'm gay.

Once I knew for sure, a small part of me panicked, and I even tried to "pray the gay away" myself. I prayed relentlessly for a while, God, if you want me to be straight, please make me straight. But nothing changed. In fact, my feelings only became more solid. I didn't want this. I never sought after it. I never chose to be gay. But I did make 3 choices because of it:

• I chose to come out to myself and "accept whoever God wanted me to be" (Dad's advice).
• I chose to come out to friends and family. 
• I chose to find someone to love.

Once I knew for sure, I came out to members of my family individually. Dad, Mom, brother, sister, and then extended family. The only person who was the most concerned was probably Mom because of the whole STD issue. But we talked and she understood that my goal was to save myself for the right person. Being the devout Catholic she is, I asked her for some spiritual counsel, and she said that as long as I maintained my relationship with God, I should be fine.

I love you, Mom.

I thank God for placing me in the family he did, because I received tremendous support. I was loved and accepted for who I was. I even remember coming out to my sister, and her reply was, "It's good to be gay!" with a big smile on her face. My sister was attending Boston University at the time, and when we went to her graduation in May 2001, I had witnessed my first gay pride parade.

Laredo doesn't have pride parades.

That same night, I felt grateful to have my family behind me, but very alone in the city where we lived. That evening, my brother told me, "Don't worry. One day you'll find the right guy for you." He was right. :-)

Now that I'm a teacher in an increasingly progressive world, when the whole bullying crisis took place, it broke my heart. It also made me feel grateful that the only bullying I ever coped with was other kids making fun of my name, and making fun of my taste in music. Even in high school when I was crushing on guys, I may've heard little slurs here and there, but I don't recall any being directed at me. I had friends, and my social skills improved, but once I graduated from high school, I went to college, declared myself a music major, and met fellow musicians (all of whom are still my friends to this day), and learned that they were cool with gay people because they knew several in their ensembles in high school. Of course popular shows like Will and Grace and Queer as Folk definitely helped in personifying us in a positive light. So in college, I had finally done it: made friends who completely accepted me and loved me as I was.


IT GETS BETTER!

After coming out, I was single for 3 years, and finally met my first boyfriend, "T". But we broke up because I had left Laredo to earn my Master's in grad school. While I was there, I made a very diverse circle of friends (socially progressive Catholic friends, more gay friends, and even new deaf friends), and, with perfect timing, months before I graduated, I met the man who I now consider my husband, even though it's illegal in Texas for us to get married.

My life has never been better. With my beloved, we each have our careers that we enjoy doing. We each have families and friends who are supportive of us. We have shelter, transportation, and we have our two dogs whom we love so much, and despite our numerous differences, we complement each other very well.

Every gay person's coming out story is different. Some of us can remember every detail (me), while others didn't experience it as such an important event. But because we're all born into our individual circumstances and situations, coming out is a very personal process. Some kids can come out very early, and others come out much, much later. The people around you can also influence when you come out, and whom you choose to come out to. I truly believe that if you have a socially conservative family, then make your friends your support system, or find a local or at least online organization that can be the support you need.

Coming out is also a good "friend filter", because, as Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

I'm now the very happy gay man who has a wonderful family (including my partner's family - they're awesome), a wonderfully diverse circle of friends, and as a bonus the bestest colleagues I could ever have. The school where I teach has some incredibly kind people working there. I'm out to all the staff, and it's not an issue, because it shouldn't be. In fact, whenever we have a social gathering planned, they wonder and hope my partner will join me. Having found the right person is one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Working with colleagues with whom I can openly share that part of my life is a bonus (after all, they share theirs with me).

As you grow up, you care so much about what your parents think and especially what your friends think. In middle school and high school, you might consider yourself lucky to have good, true friends, and loving, supportive parents. But in case you don't live in that world, you have to remember that in high school, and even sometimes in college, the people you interact with may be a direct representation of their home life's thinking and actions; anything different than what they know to believe is good and right is bad and wrong, and must be avoided, or treated in such a way as to motivate the victim of their ignorance to change their ways to become more like what they think they should be. The problem with such maltreatment is that it's viewed as "tough love" by one while it's viewed as intolerance and hate by the victim. But post high school, there's also that very good chance that you'll meet people who are no longer afraid to venture out of that sheltered world their parents created for them, and thereby learn, through their own personal experiences, that differences in people ought to be celebrated, not targeted.

Having grown up in a devoutly Catholic family, and coming out as gay, it forces you to do some soul searching and introspection. The Catholic Church is a highly-structured hierarchy where men make all the decisions, and sadly, in most cases, their decisions affect people or circumstances they've never met or been through. The Church has evolved into teaching her faithful that though homosexual acts are "intrinsically disordered", gay people are to be loved, embraced, and respected. The Church upholds the very strict view that any sexual intimacy must be open to procreation, which is why it condemns any homosexual intimacy since procreation cannot come out of such intimacy (this is also why they condemn artificial contraception). As a result, the Church welcomes gays in full participation of the sacraments and other religious benefits so long as they lead a chaste lifestyle. If you're a gay Catholic, that's okay, but if you want to be included completely in the church, you mustn't ever be in any same-sex intimate relationship. Ever. You're to be celibate.

So how am I so happy if these are my church's teachings? I thought long and hard about it for years, and came to this conclusion: Am I violating a Church teaching? Yes. But am I hurting anyone? No, in fact, quite the opposite, I'm loving someone for the rest of my life. My belief is that it's not sin if it's love. I'm in a loving, long-term, monogamous, committed relationship with a man who started off as my boyfriend and is now my life partner. We are everything a normal married couple is for a few exceptions: we have no biological children (just our dogs), and we have no legal or religious recognition of our relationship, but our Facebook status (in all its social authority) reflects how we feel "married" despite our lack of said recognitions.

Coming out is so important! Many people who oppose gay rights do so out of fear and ignorance. That fear and ignorance can be dispelled if someone they know comes out to them. Do it any way you can: write a letter, talk on the phone, do it in person, play or sing a song. Make a joke out of it by actually coming out of a real closet and ask, "What am I doing?" Just DO IT.

To conclude my story, which I hoped has at least entertained you, or at most inspired you, take into account my dad's sage advice: "Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be."

There's a whole wide world of loving, supportive, accepting people, and if such people are far away from you, then call or visit the Trevor Project. They have trained counselors ready to listen to you, judgment-free. Or call them at 1-866-488-7386. Get the help you need to be the person He wants you to be.