The last step

I've been wresting with the idea of earning a Ph.D. for quite some time...years. The one school from which I'd like to earn it is UT, in Music and Human Learning. But before I can take any step to go in that direction, I really have to sit and reflect on everything it would affect in my life before doing it.

So, I spoke with a colleague of mine whom I truly admire and respect for everything she has done and will do, both professionally and personally.

"What do you want to do with that degree?" she asked.
"I don't know, I just know I want to get it."
"Hmm. I think you're going about it backwards. You should probably have a career goal, and then go about taking the steps necessary to achieve that goal. So, do you know what you wanna be when you grow up?" she wittily asked.
"See, that's the thing," I answered. "I'm not sure. I really like what I'm doing, teaching music. Right now, or for the foreseeable future, I can't see what else I'd be doing."

She's pursuing a Ph.D. online, because she wants to eventually be a curriculum writer. And knowing her skill level as an educator, she'd be a damn good one.

The only other Ph.D. that barely appeals to me is one at Texas State. They have Ph.D.s in education, but they're for educational administration. They have 2 programs: 1) school improvement, (preparing you to be a school or school district administrator), and 2) adult, professional, and community education (APCE), (preparing you to be the director of education programs, like GEDs or other things like that).

Though I can kind of see myself in the APCE field, I'm not sure it's something I want. Now, I'm totally aware that my future career goals could come into fruition, and I could start to see myself doing something later that I can't see now, I just have no idea if/when that "vision" will reveal itself.

Right now, I'm in my 5th year teaching elementary music, and I love it. I don't want to do anything else. I'm also making more professional investments by earning more certifications to make myself more professionally marketable. Though I was only initially certified to teach music in grades PK-12, I'm now almost certified to be either a bilingual or ESL generalist classroom teacher. I have no intentions of using these certifications once I get them all. I'm strictly getting them for professional marketability, and more importantly, in case, God forbid, the arts are ever cut in my district, and my job gets eliminated, I have other certifications I can use to keep me employed.

I've earned my Master's already, which, academically speaking, is the 2nd highest degree anyone can earn. I have to give the most credit to my parents because once I graduated from college, I was being told, "Go get your Master's, and THEN find a job, because if you get a job after college, and then you want a Master's, it'll be very hard to get back into the student mindset." So, I literally started grad school 1 MONTH after graduating college; I graduated in May 2004, and started my first class of grad school in June 2004, and finished a little over 2 years later, December 2006. Haven't been a university student since. The last step is your Doctorate.

So, I've been at the 2nd highest level for about 6 years now, and furthermore, my amazing mom, who's in her early 60s, is about to graduate with HER Ph.D.! Um...WOW! When Mom called me to let me know she had passed her dissertation defense, I talked to Frank about her success:

"Wow, as much as I can't believe she's gotten this far, I actually CAN believe she did." I told him.
"Yes, she's a highly-accomplished woman."
"I mean, she's a full-time university administrator, has worked in higher education for about 30 years, has been married for almost 40, raised 3 kids, and 5 grand kids, she's traveled the world because of one of the university programs she directs, and NOW she's getting a Ph.D. And all this in her 60s! That's AMAZING!"
In jest, Frank added, "Yeah, so...what happened to you? Why didn't you get any of that drive?"
"Hey, I'm lazy, and I admit it freely! Not proud of it, but completely aware of it."

Mom did her Ph.D. over the course of about 8 years, going part-time. She had to take the GRE to get in, she's had to make several trips out of town to different libraries to do her research, and all kinds of things. But she's also very self-disciplined, an attribute that worked totally in her favor.

As for me, there's nothing wrong with having what I already have. I have a Master's, and a lot of people don't even finish college. As Mom told me, whenever I thought about giving up on the Master's, she'd say, "Of course it's hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it!"

So, the only Ph.D. program that appeals to me, is the Ph.D. in Music and Human Learning at UT-Austin. Having researched admission requirements, besides applying, and turning in letters of recommendation, I also have to send them a Curriculum Vitae (CV - a resume), a Statement of Purpose, I have to take and do well on the GRE, a test I loathe, and really brush up on my music history and literature, as my skills will be tested in a 3-hour diagnostic test.

Getting a Ph.D. would take anywhere from 2-5 times longer than my Master's did. It would be hella expensive (and yes, I meant "hella"), I'd have some demanding and high pressure work to do on TOP of my full-time career. And yet, knowing this, my heart still can't look away. I've been given one reason after another by current an former UT students who tell me not to do this because the inconveniences outweigh everything else. And yet, I still can't seem to let go.

Mom is in her 60s. She's busy with her career, taking care of my dad, babysitting 3 of her grandkids, cooks, helps maintain the house, helps out other family members when they need it, and still managed get her Ph.D. done over the years. Oh, and her Ph.D. program is in a city over 4 hours away.

I'm in my 30s. I have a full-time career. The only "kids" I have to take care of are Frank, and our 2 dogs. I don't cook (except for myself), but I do clean...sometimes, and I have nowhere close the number of obligations she has. And my Ph.D. program is in the same city in which I live. So I'm thinking, If Mom can do it, why can't I? I just need 3 big things: the commitment, determination, and, especially, self-discipline.

Ph.D.s are massive undertakings. You have to do "ungodly" amounts of reading, as a former colleague of mine stated, you essentially kiss a social life goodbye, especially if you've got a full-time job, and you're committed to it for several years. So if you want to invest your life in a long-term study, it better be something you're insanely passionate about, and want to get better at it.

Despite all these things that would deter anyone from wanting to take it on, I still want to do it. I've even been told that UT's financial aid office is very difficult to work with. I've been told finding parking will be a regular hassle. I've been told that when I typically come home from work and relax, I'd have to come home and do homework...daily...for several years. I'd probably have to go straight to the library after work and do research...facing all the traffic that goes with it. And by the time I'd come home from the library, it'd probably be time to go to bed. And the routine would have to repeat itself the next day, and so forth.

*SIGH*

And I still want to do it. My mind is SO stubborn, and I know I must drive Frank crazy with how I obsess about this. But I can't help it. I've tried to talk myself out of it, and then it just comes right back. Am I ready to make the sacrifices I'd have to make to get this thing done? What if doing this will help me figure out "What I want to be when I grow up"? It'd be the last step I'd have to take professionally. If I can take on a Ph.D., (a Ph.D. at UT at that), then I think that would prove to myself that there truly is nothing I can't do. And if I can't do it, I can still dream. If I can't take this last step, I know I've already gotten much farther than most. And that in itself, is something to be proud of.