Twenty-foot thick glass wall

I'm so glad I have this blog. When something's in my mind, and I need to get it out, it's a great place to come.

*SIGH*

I'm obsessed. My heart, soul, and mind are obsessed with being a UT student. Yes, I know I've written about this several times already, and in fact, my readers (all 6 of you) are probably thinking, "Get over it!" but, I can't.

My obsession with UT and its reputation as quite possibly the most reputable school in Texas, and among the most reputable in the country, started at LEAST 8 years ago. At least. My brother went there, 3 cousins went there, an uncle went there, but the biggest reason I feel so driven to go there is because of my first piano teacher, Fritz, who earned both his Master's and Doctor of Musical Arts in piano performance from there. Being the gifted and talented music educator he is, working with him in college at Texas A&M International University (TAMIU) changed my world forever, and while studying with him while in college, I was insistent on following in his footsteps, going to his alma mater, and earning a graduate degree at UT.

However, despite having applied there twice, I've been rejected twice, so that made my desire to go to UT grow into this weird...thing...that if I'm not good enough to get into and graduate from UT, then I'm not good enough, generally speaking. 

Here's the crazy shit. Again, I have my Bachelor's AND my Master's. Many people went to college, but they didn't all go to grad school. I did, and I earned my degree. If you have a Bachelor's and a Master's, and you want to get another degree, typically, the next step is the Doctorate, and UT is extremely difficult to get into, the higher you go. It's also even MORE difficult to get into if you've never been a student there before. I want to be a doctoral student at UT so badly, but.....but..............

............................I don't know what I'd do with it.........................

At least, I don't know as of now. 

To add insult to injury, I likely would've been accepted to UT when I was in college had I started fresh or transferred. Hell, had I decided to earn a graduate degree there after getting a Bachelor's there, I likely could've done that too because my records would already be in the system, and I'd know the faculty there well.

So, why didn't I go to UT at the beginning to save myself this crazy-ass obsession I'm living with now, into my 30s?

Four things: 

1. I didn't feel ready to leave my hometown, and be on my own. 
2. I lived 5 minutes away from TAMIU, which saved money on apartment rent, and my mom worked there...and still does.
3. Fritz worked there, and I loved learning from him. 
4. Being the small university it was, I was able to get scholarships all the way through. The student loan debt I have came from earning my Master's. 

So, I went to TAMIU primarily for reasons of financial convenience, which, for college, is a very big thing. I don't regret having gone there. In fact, in all fairness, what I learned there truly prepared me for the career I currently enjoy.

All that being said, UT is my Harvard. UT is also my Juilliard. I love everything about UT. I love the colors of the burnt orange, and making the longhorn sign with my hand. I love yelling, "HOOK 'EM!" during football games. I love seeing the chrome longhorn auto decals on fellow Austin drivers. I LOVE seeing the UT Tower shine orange with a "1" lit up in its windows. And I so desperately wish to be able to walk the campus or drive by the university seeing the orange glow on the Tower and proudly think to myself, This is *my* school. *I* go here. Hook 'em!

But, in my head, I can't connect with that unless I get an acceptance letter welcoming me to the university. It's like there's this window that's completely transparent, and it's 20 feet thick, and each foot between me and being an official UT student is every difficult, tedious step I have to take before I can even really have reason to apply. So instead, I just remain on the other side of the glass wall, banging, screaming, pulling my hair, crying, being resentful and jealous of all the UT students I see walking on the other side of the wall.

It's probably unhealthy, self-damaging, and crazy. I know. I wouldn't doubt it if I needed to go see a therapist about this obsession/dream.

If I want to satisfy this obsession, all I need is an acceptance letter (and ultimately a diploma). But it won't feel right buying my way in with some massive donation. I can't do it that way, even if I had the money. I need to get in the traditional way, and I have many big steps to take to get that process going.

Time will tell, and in the mean time, it will continue to take over my mind.