DISCLAIMER - This post contains strong language.
Dear fellow movie-goers,
How much do we pay to go to the movies nowadays? I remember when tickets used to cost $3.50 for kids, and $5.50 for adults. Today I went to see Wrath of the Titans and paid $14 total for 2 tickets. Having paid for a pleasant movie experience, I want to have a pleasant movie experience.
When I moved to Austin, Frank introduced me to a theater that blew my mind: the Alamo Drafthouse. It's your average movie theater, except they take audience etiquette very seriously. No other theater, to my knowledge, does that. Not AMC, not Cinemark, nothing else. In fact, Alamo Drafthouse is so serious about being a courteous movie-goer, that right before the feature begins, they offer Public Service Announcements (PSAs) that explain their rules and expectations.
The Drafthouse's rule is simple: talk, text, tweet, or disturb your neighbors in any way, and your ass is getting kicked out without a refund. You know what I think of that?
FUCK YEAH!!!
It's because of the Drafthouse's policy that I no longer go to any other movie theater. Every time you walk into a movie theater, you're likely surrounded by people who've paid the same amount, a little less, or more than you (if they paid for a small or large group of people). So, why would you be so rude as to rob them of the theater experience they paid for by opening your fat fucking mouth? If I wanted to hear people rant about random shit, all I have to do is walk around downtown Austin! For fuck's sake, we even had an awesome homeless transvestite named Leslie who ran for mayor one year, and got 10% of the vote!
Keep Austin Weird, baby!
And if your phone rings, that bitch better be on silent - or at the MOST vibrate - because if a ringtone goes off, you better hope that the music in the movie is loud enough to cover it up, otherwise, at the Drafthouse, you risk getting kicked out. Instead, you become the most hated asshole in the theater because your fucking phone distracted everyone's attention from the story THEY PAID TO WATCH. Part of why people go to the movies in the first place is to get away from their own life's problems for a couple hours. When your phone lights up in a dark movie theater, anyone in or behind your row gets distracted from the story to look at whatever the hell is on your phone's screen. So when you talk or text during the movie, you're essentially pulling them out of the fantasy they're trying to enter, reminding them of the real world, and all the assholes, including yourself, who help make it up.
The late Ann Richards, former Texas governor (you know, before Dumb and Dumber took over), was a regular patron to the Drafthouse, so it's only fitting she was featured in one of their PSAs.
Why did this whole policy kick in at the Drafthouse? A local Austin news station interviewed the CEO Tim League himself as to the reasons behind the rule that makes the Drafthouse my and many other Austin movie-goers our new favorite theater.
Below is the uncensored voicemail PSA about the texter who was kicked out of the theater, and by far, my FAVORITE Drafthouse PSA.
It bugs the ever-lovin' shit out of me when I see someone using their phone or talking during a movie. Can you not shut the fuck up for 2 hours?! You wanna talk and text during a movie? Fine. Get the movie on Netflix and watch it in the comfort of your own home. Don't be a douche and interrupt my and other patrons' experience.
If you're going to the movies, fine. But do us all a favor, and shut. the fuck. up.
Love,
Me
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The last step
I've been wresting with the idea of earning a Ph.D. for quite some time...years. The one school from which I'd like to earn it is UT, in Music and Human Learning. But before I can take any step to go in that direction, I really have to sit and reflect on everything it would affect in my life before doing it.
So, I spoke with a colleague of mine whom I truly admire and respect for everything she has done and will do, both professionally and personally.
"What do you want to do with that degree?" she asked.
"I don't know, I just know I want to get it."
"Hmm. I think you're going about it backwards. You should probably have a career goal, and then go about taking the steps necessary to achieve that goal. So, do you know what you wanna be when you grow up?" she wittily asked.
"See, that's the thing," I answered. "I'm not sure. I really like what I'm doing, teaching music. Right now, or for the foreseeable future, I can't see what else I'd be doing."
She's pursuing a Ph.D. online, because she wants to eventually be a curriculum writer. And knowing her skill level as an educator, she'd be a damn good one.
The only other Ph.D. that barely appeals to me is one at Texas State. They have Ph.D.s in education, but they're for educational administration. They have 2 programs: 1) school improvement, (preparing you to be a school or school district administrator), and 2) adult, professional, and community education (APCE), (preparing you to be the director of education programs, like GEDs or other things like that).
Though I can kind of see myself in the APCE field, I'm not sure it's something I want. Now, I'm totally aware that my future career goals could come into fruition, and I could start to see myself doing something later that I can't see now, I just have no idea if/when that "vision" will reveal itself.
Right now, I'm in my 5th year teaching elementary music, and I love it. I don't want to do anything else. I'm also making more professional investments by earning more certifications to make myself more professionally marketable. Though I was only initially certified to teach music in grades PK-12, I'm now almost certified to be either a bilingual or ESL generalist classroom teacher. I have no intentions of using these certifications once I get them all. I'm strictly getting them for professional marketability, and more importantly, in case, God forbid, the arts are ever cut in my district, and my job gets eliminated, I have other certifications I can use to keep me employed.
I've earned my Master's already, which, academically speaking, is the 2nd highest degree anyone can earn. I have to give the most credit to my parents because once I graduated from college, I was being told, "Go get your Master's, and THEN find a job, because if you get a job after college, and then you want a Master's, it'll be very hard to get back into the student mindset." So, I literally started grad school 1 MONTH after graduating college; I graduated in May 2004, and started my first class of grad school in June 2004, and finished a little over 2 years later, December 2006. Haven't been a university student since. The last step is your Doctorate.
So, I've been at the 2nd highest level for about 6 years now, and furthermore, my amazing mom, who's in her early 60s, is about to graduate with HER Ph.D.! Um...WOW! When Mom called me to let me know she had passed her dissertation defense, I talked to Frank about her success:
"Wow, as much as I can't believe she's gotten this far, I actually CAN believe she did." I told him.
"Yes, she's a highly-accomplished woman."
"I mean, she's a full-time university administrator, has worked in higher education for about 30 years, has been married for almost 40, raised 3 kids, and 5 grand kids, she's traveled the world because of one of the university programs she directs, and NOW she's getting a Ph.D. And all this in her 60s! That's AMAZING!"
In jest, Frank added, "Yeah, so...what happened to you? Why didn't you get any of that drive?"
"Hey, I'm lazy, and I admit it freely! Not proud of it, but completely aware of it."
Mom did her Ph.D. over the course of about 8 years, going part-time. She had to take the GRE to get in, she's had to make several trips out of town to different libraries to do her research, and all kinds of things. But she's also very self-disciplined, an attribute that worked totally in her favor.
As for me, there's nothing wrong with having what I already have. I have a Master's, and a lot of people don't even finish college. As Mom told me, whenever I thought about giving up on the Master's, she'd say, "Of course it's hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it!"
So, the only Ph.D. program that appeals to me, is the Ph.D. in Music and Human Learning at UT-Austin. Having researched admission requirements, besides applying, and turning in letters of recommendation, I also have to send them a Curriculum Vitae (CV - a resume), a Statement of Purpose, I have to take and do well on the GRE, a test I loathe, and really brush up on my music history and literature, as my skills will be tested in a 3-hour diagnostic test.
Getting a Ph.D. would take anywhere from 2-5 times longer than my Master's did. It would be hella expensive (and yes, I meant "hella"), I'd have some demanding and high pressure work to do on TOP of my full-time career. And yet, knowing this, my heart still can't look away. I've been given one reason after another by current an former UT students who tell me not to do this because the inconveniences outweigh everything else. And yet, I still can't seem to let go.
Mom is in her 60s. She's busy with her career, taking care of my dad, babysitting 3 of her grandkids, cooks, helps maintain the house, helps out other family members when they need it, and still managed get her Ph.D. done over the years. Oh, and her Ph.D. program is in a city over 4 hours away.
I'm in my 30s. I have a full-time career. The only "kids" I have to take care of are Frank, and our 2 dogs. I don't cook (except for myself), but I do clean...sometimes, and I have nowhere close the number of obligations she has. And my Ph.D. program is in the same city in which I live. So I'm thinking, If Mom can do it, why can't I? I just need 3 big things: the commitment, determination, and, especially, self-discipline.
Ph.D.s are massive undertakings. You have to do "ungodly" amounts of reading, as a former colleague of mine stated, you essentially kiss a social life goodbye, especially if you've got a full-time job, and you're committed to it for several years. So if you want to invest your life in a long-term study, it better be something you're insanely passionate about, and want to get better at it.
Despite all these things that would deter anyone from wanting to take it on, I still want to do it. I've even been told that UT's financial aid office is very difficult to work with. I've been told finding parking will be a regular hassle. I've been told that when I typically come home from work and relax, I'd have to come home and do homework...daily...for several years. I'd probably have to go straight to the library after work and do research...facing all the traffic that goes with it. And by the time I'd come home from the library, it'd probably be time to go to bed. And the routine would have to repeat itself the next day, and so forth.
*SIGH*
And I still want to do it. My mind is SO stubborn, and I know I must drive Frank crazy with how I obsess about this. But I can't help it. I've tried to talk myself out of it, and then it just comes right back. Am I ready to make the sacrifices I'd have to make to get this thing done? What if doing this will help me figure out "What I want to be when I grow up"? It'd be the last step I'd have to take professionally. If I can take on a Ph.D., (a Ph.D. at UT at that), then I think that would prove to myself that there truly is nothing I can't do. And if I can't do it, I can still dream. If I can't take this last step, I know I've already gotten much farther than most. And that in itself, is something to be proud of.
So, I spoke with a colleague of mine whom I truly admire and respect for everything she has done and will do, both professionally and personally.
"What do you want to do with that degree?" she asked.
"I don't know, I just know I want to get it."
"Hmm. I think you're going about it backwards. You should probably have a career goal, and then go about taking the steps necessary to achieve that goal. So, do you know what you wanna be when you grow up?" she wittily asked.
"See, that's the thing," I answered. "I'm not sure. I really like what I'm doing, teaching music. Right now, or for the foreseeable future, I can't see what else I'd be doing."
She's pursuing a Ph.D. online, because she wants to eventually be a curriculum writer. And knowing her skill level as an educator, she'd be a damn good one.
The only other Ph.D. that barely appeals to me is one at Texas State. They have Ph.D.s in education, but they're for educational administration. They have 2 programs: 1) school improvement, (preparing you to be a school or school district administrator), and 2) adult, professional, and community education (APCE), (preparing you to be the director of education programs, like GEDs or other things like that).
Though I can kind of see myself in the APCE field, I'm not sure it's something I want. Now, I'm totally aware that my future career goals could come into fruition, and I could start to see myself doing something later that I can't see now, I just have no idea if/when that "vision" will reveal itself.
Right now, I'm in my 5th year teaching elementary music, and I love it. I don't want to do anything else. I'm also making more professional investments by earning more certifications to make myself more professionally marketable. Though I was only initially certified to teach music in grades PK-12, I'm now almost certified to be either a bilingual or ESL generalist classroom teacher. I have no intentions of using these certifications once I get them all. I'm strictly getting them for professional marketability, and more importantly, in case, God forbid, the arts are ever cut in my district, and my job gets eliminated, I have other certifications I can use to keep me employed.
I've earned my Master's already, which, academically speaking, is the 2nd highest degree anyone can earn. I have to give the most credit to my parents because once I graduated from college, I was being told, "Go get your Master's, and THEN find a job, because if you get a job after college, and then you want a Master's, it'll be very hard to get back into the student mindset." So, I literally started grad school 1 MONTH after graduating college; I graduated in May 2004, and started my first class of grad school in June 2004, and finished a little over 2 years later, December 2006. Haven't been a university student since. The last step is your Doctorate.
So, I've been at the 2nd highest level for about 6 years now, and furthermore, my amazing mom, who's in her early 60s, is about to graduate with HER Ph.D.! Um...WOW! When Mom called me to let me know she had passed her dissertation defense, I talked to Frank about her success:
"Wow, as much as I can't believe she's gotten this far, I actually CAN believe she did." I told him.
"Yes, she's a highly-accomplished woman."
"I mean, she's a full-time university administrator, has worked in higher education for about 30 years, has been married for almost 40, raised 3 kids, and 5 grand kids, she's traveled the world because of one of the university programs she directs, and NOW she's getting a Ph.D. And all this in her 60s! That's AMAZING!"
In jest, Frank added, "Yeah, so...what happened to you? Why didn't you get any of that drive?"
"Hey, I'm lazy, and I admit it freely! Not proud of it, but completely aware of it."
Mom did her Ph.D. over the course of about 8 years, going part-time. She had to take the GRE to get in, she's had to make several trips out of town to different libraries to do her research, and all kinds of things. But she's also very self-disciplined, an attribute that worked totally in her favor.
As for me, there's nothing wrong with having what I already have. I have a Master's, and a lot of people don't even finish college. As Mom told me, whenever I thought about giving up on the Master's, she'd say, "Of course it's hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it!"
So, the only Ph.D. program that appeals to me, is the Ph.D. in Music and Human Learning at UT-Austin. Having researched admission requirements, besides applying, and turning in letters of recommendation, I also have to send them a Curriculum Vitae (CV - a resume), a Statement of Purpose, I have to take and do well on the GRE, a test I loathe, and really brush up on my music history and literature, as my skills will be tested in a 3-hour diagnostic test.
Getting a Ph.D. would take anywhere from 2-5 times longer than my Master's did. It would be hella expensive (and yes, I meant "hella"), I'd have some demanding and high pressure work to do on TOP of my full-time career. And yet, knowing this, my heart still can't look away. I've been given one reason after another by current an former UT students who tell me not to do this because the inconveniences outweigh everything else. And yet, I still can't seem to let go.
Mom is in her 60s. She's busy with her career, taking care of my dad, babysitting 3 of her grandkids, cooks, helps maintain the house, helps out other family members when they need it, and still managed get her Ph.D. done over the years. Oh, and her Ph.D. program is in a city over 4 hours away.
I'm in my 30s. I have a full-time career. The only "kids" I have to take care of are Frank, and our 2 dogs. I don't cook (except for myself), but I do clean...sometimes, and I have nowhere close the number of obligations she has. And my Ph.D. program is in the same city in which I live. So I'm thinking, If Mom can do it, why can't I? I just need 3 big things: the commitment, determination, and, especially, self-discipline.
Ph.D.s are massive undertakings. You have to do "ungodly" amounts of reading, as a former colleague of mine stated, you essentially kiss a social life goodbye, especially if you've got a full-time job, and you're committed to it for several years. So if you want to invest your life in a long-term study, it better be something you're insanely passionate about, and want to get better at it.
Despite all these things that would deter anyone from wanting to take it on, I still want to do it. I've even been told that UT's financial aid office is very difficult to work with. I've been told finding parking will be a regular hassle. I've been told that when I typically come home from work and relax, I'd have to come home and do homework...daily...for several years. I'd probably have to go straight to the library after work and do research...facing all the traffic that goes with it. And by the time I'd come home from the library, it'd probably be time to go to bed. And the routine would have to repeat itself the next day, and so forth.
*SIGH*
And I still want to do it. My mind is SO stubborn, and I know I must drive Frank crazy with how I obsess about this. But I can't help it. I've tried to talk myself out of it, and then it just comes right back. Am I ready to make the sacrifices I'd have to make to get this thing done? What if doing this will help me figure out "What I want to be when I grow up"? It'd be the last step I'd have to take professionally. If I can take on a Ph.D., (a Ph.D. at UT at that), then I think that would prove to myself that there truly is nothing I can't do. And if I can't do it, I can still dream. If I can't take this last step, I know I've already gotten much farther than most. And that in itself, is something to be proud of.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
I just watch the movie
Plain and simple. That's what I do. I have a few reasons why I do it this way, despite when so many other people always recommend the book. And today, I watched The Hunger Games.
"The book is SO much better!" is the common rebuttal I get when I declare my lack of interest in reading a movie's original book. But I skip the book in favor of the movie for a few reasons:
It's been among the top 3 box office blockbusters besides Twilight and Harry Potter. It apparently made $155 million in its first weekend. That's about 1/6 of the Mega Millions jackpot we just had. The main reason I wanted to watch it, besides its massive popularity, was the fact that Josh Hutcherson is in it, and he. is. hot. Uber hot.
So besides the eye candy that Josh Hutcherson is, what did I think about the movie?
It was good. I enjoyed it. I can understand why it was so hyped up. Katniss (is that how you spell her name?) is a badass. She's very pretty, very good-hearted, and a very strong woman. She makes a great heroine for many ladies, showing that not all the heroes are guys winning the girl at the end. A girl can be both beautiful, and with strong enough skill and will, she can overcome tremendous obstacles. She can be intelligent, snarky, loving, gentle, and kind all at the same time. I know her character has served as an inspiration for many young women. They've seen how she can shoot an arrow. Legolas may have met his match, though she's a different species.
I'm more impressed with the world the author, Suzanne Collins, created. As crazy of a world in which it would be to live in, just like J.K. Rowling creating a world that made "muggle" a new word printed on a t-shirt at the mall, the post-apocalyptic world of the book was what I found most fascinating.
I can see guys, straight guys, getting into Peeta, as he is a gentleman indeed, who is very strong, and gets the girl. But this book, this story, is, I think, much more geared toward young women. They now have a story character they can look up to, so to me it makes perfect sense that so many young women would be obsessed with this story, thinking it's the "best book ever", and have probably already bought the remaining two books in the trilogy, and have probably finished reading them, and now wait, very impatiently, for the next two movies to come out.
If you haven't seen it, you should. It's entertaining, but if you let the hype influence your expectations, it might be a disappointing movie. Go in with no expectations, and let yourself invest in the characters during the duration of the movie.
Go now, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
"The book is SO much better!" is the common rebuttal I get when I declare my lack of interest in reading a movie's original book. But I skip the book in favor of the movie for a few reasons:
- I have a difficult time concentrating reading a book. Before I know it, my mind has linked onto something in the text that took my mind on a tangent, so my eyes keep "reading" in the background, but my concentration of the plot has left and focused on whatever tangent my mind has taken, and before I know it, I have read 6 long paragraphs, and have to return to where my mind wandered from, and reread. I hate that.
- When I read a book, my eyes will look away at any given moment, and I'll get that "after-image" of the text lines in my line of vision, and wherever I look, the lines follow. It's annoying.
- I'm a slow reader, and always have been. I find it difficult to enjoy stories when I lose concentration, and then I take a lot longer to finish a book than the average person. The additional time it takes for me to read a book could be weeks to months, and it's consequently very discouraging. I sometimes literally have to give myself a chapter a day. I'm so slow, I actually count how many page turns it'll take to finish a chapter, and I do that as a motivation of how quickly I can finish it.
- If I watch the movie, I'm never disappointed, unless I walk in with high expectations based on the hype the movie has earned from its fans. There are a lot of people who will imagine a character's appearance, and when they look different in the movie, it makes them freak out and get pissed off. And this is an example of that anger...which I completely avoid.
- I'm done in less than 3 hours, and I get to hear some great music from the movie's composer.
It's been among the top 3 box office blockbusters besides Twilight and Harry Potter. It apparently made $155 million in its first weekend. That's about 1/6 of the Mega Millions jackpot we just had. The main reason I wanted to watch it, besides its massive popularity, was the fact that Josh Hutcherson is in it, and he. is. hot. Uber hot.
So besides the eye candy that Josh Hutcherson is, what did I think about the movie?
It was good. I enjoyed it. I can understand why it was so hyped up. Katniss (is that how you spell her name?) is a badass. She's very pretty, very good-hearted, and a very strong woman. She makes a great heroine for many ladies, showing that not all the heroes are guys winning the girl at the end. A girl can be both beautiful, and with strong enough skill and will, she can overcome tremendous obstacles. She can be intelligent, snarky, loving, gentle, and kind all at the same time. I know her character has served as an inspiration for many young women. They've seen how she can shoot an arrow. Legolas may have met his match, though she's a different species.
I'm more impressed with the world the author, Suzanne Collins, created. As crazy of a world in which it would be to live in, just like J.K. Rowling creating a world that made "muggle" a new word printed on a t-shirt at the mall, the post-apocalyptic world of the book was what I found most fascinating.
I can see guys, straight guys, getting into Peeta, as he is a gentleman indeed, who is very strong, and gets the girl. But this book, this story, is, I think, much more geared toward young women. They now have a story character they can look up to, so to me it makes perfect sense that so many young women would be obsessed with this story, thinking it's the "best book ever", and have probably already bought the remaining two books in the trilogy, and have probably finished reading them, and now wait, very impatiently, for the next two movies to come out.
If you haven't seen it, you should. It's entertaining, but if you let the hype influence your expectations, it might be a disappointing movie. Go in with no expectations, and let yourself invest in the characters during the duration of the movie.
Go now, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Friday, March 16, 2012
#NowPlaying: My CSO - "Get It Right"
Welcome to my first CSO (Current Song Obsession) post! In this new series of posts, I'll be highlighting at least one song that isn't only stuck in my head, but I want it stuck in my head. I have no idea how long my obsessions last, but I am the type of person that when I get obsessed with something, I hang on it for a while - days, weeks, months, even years, depending on the depth of the obsession.
Songs connect with us because of 2 things: music and lyrics. Lyrics clearly connect with us because the words can be processed in our brains, and make us react to them, but the music may strike us in a way we didn't expect either. Music serves as a vehicle to transport the emotions in the lyrics, thereby giving songs the power they have over our hearts and minds.
This Spring Break, I've been re-watching Glee Season 2, and one of the episodes that really hit me was the episode where they perform original songs. When they perform at Regionals, they sing "Loser Like Me" and "Get It Right". "Loser Like Me" is a fun, upbeat, inspiring song for the underdog telling their bullies to keep hating on them, because it won't stop their rise to the top, and that they know that the bully is only treating them that way because "you wanna be a loser like me". It's a fun, anthem-like pop song, and I love it.
But I truly connect with the other song, "Get It Right". Simply summarized, the song laments that despite one's best intentions in wanting to help a person or situation, they only make it worse somehow.
When I really listened to the lyrics in this song, I felt like I was listening to my autobiography. I don't know how many mistakes I've made in my life where I was trying to help someone or something, and all I did was made it worse. After such incidences, I feel terrible about myself, and wonder why I should even bother helping anyone or anything anymore when all I seem to do is exacerbate the problems. I've done it to friends and family, and in rare cases, colleagues. I'm human. I make mistakes, and this song recognizes that desire to help that comes with the inadvertent consequence of worsening the situation, but finally accepting that everything will be okay as long as you learn from your mistakes and accept that that's life. Shit happens, and it happens to everyone.
When I listen to this song, part of me wants to cry, but it also gives me hope. I listen to the words and I just see a video play in my mind of all the mistakes I've made where I was trying to help. I want to let others listen to this song, and tell them, "This is how I feel a lot, like I can't get anything right, and when I try to help, I end up worsening something."
I know. It's kinda sad to make my first post about a lament of a song, but I connect with it so deeply that I felt like I just had to start sharing the music that moves me.
I hope you enjoy the music and connect with the lyrics. That's why music is such a force to be reckoned with. It moves people in ways nothing else can. Music is powerful also because it's so emotionally versatile. Songs can express just about ANY human emotion, and the musical spectrum is just as wide as the spectrum of the human condition. When you listen to a song, you can liken it to opening up a wrapped present; the gift itself is the lyrics and how they'll make you feel, but the music is the first thing you hear, just like the size of the box and the wrapping paper used to conceal the gift.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave comments here or on Facebook.
Monday, March 12, 2012
It Gets Better: My (Coming Out) Story
DISCLAIMER:
I have a reason for posting my It Gets Better story as a blog post as opposed to a video: I'm not out to my students, and I don't plan to come out to any of them until they're at least high school graduates. If I post a video, I don't want to be "discovered" by a student on YouTube. That's the last thing I want: "Hey! That's my music teacher!" Besides, my orientation is none of their business, and has no effect on their lives at all. But when I post my blogs online, I share the link on Facebook, and since I have several hundred Facebook friends, they are my primary audience. And any of them might need that extra push to come out or keep going. I feel my story is relevant and important because of the city where I grew up, the religious tradition I've practiced, and the kind of family and friends I have.
I'm choosing to post this today, on March 12, 2012, because it's my 11th anniversary of having come out, so the date is significant for me.
I'm 30 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I've always felt I was different. Always. From preschool to high school, I never felt like one of the regular boys in my classes. Just inside, I knew I was different. But for years, I didn't know how different.
I was born and raised in a Texas-Mexico border town, Laredo (pop. approx. 250K), and lived there until I graduated from college. Until college, I had been in private Catholic schools. For years, I was usually very socially awkward, so I never made friends very easily at school. My friends were my cousins. I'm one of 18 grand kids on my mom's side alone. I'm also the only gay family member.
Growing up and going to school in a predominantly Catholic border town, Laredo was (and still is) its own little bubble of a world. There's a strong Hispanic community (as that is most of the Laredoans there), and a strong Christian community (both Catholic and non-Catholic). As for other social diversity organization, not so much...at least, not when I lived there. Because of this "bubble" quality, my parents made it a point to get us as cultured as possible, exposing us to different languages, different music, art, and food from around the world, and took us on a couple of trips to Europe as well. So to foreshadow, when I realized I was gay, coming out wasn't hard, and I credit my family for that.
ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS
My earliest memories of having been attracted to anyone go as far back as kindergarten. Between kinder and 8th grade, I had major crushes on two different girls in my class. I had a crush on "A" for a few years, and then "A2" came around, and I thought she walked on water. Then for a couple of years, my crushes for either were gone, but by 8th grade, my crush on "A2" came back. However, I noticed something change within me.
While I was an adolescent crushing on the same girl...again...I was starting to notice boys, too. Like, really, I just started noticing, and what I was once oblivious to, was now starting to catch and hold my attention. At first I didn't think much of it. I thought a guy was good looking, so I was aesthetically appreciating their looks.
HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
But then high school began, and I was not only appreciating boys' physical appearance, I was starting to develop romantic feelings too, wanting to hold their hand, hug them and kiss them. As the high school years went by, I was crushing on both guys and girls, but less on girls, and more on guys. I hadn't shared my sentiments with anyone, because I wasn't sure about anything yet. I knew that if I was gay, I needed to be sure about it before coming out.
To backtrack a little, at one point during my high school years, I considered myself "bicurious". And because I felt comfortable enough, I talked to my dad about my "bicuriosity" explaining that I was crushing on both guys and girls, and didn't know what I was.
His response: "Enjoy your confusion. You're not out to hurt anyone or yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself, and be the best you can be of whoever God made you to be."
Awesome dad, right? I know. That's love right there.
SANITY-SAVING ADVICE
Fast-forward to high school graduation (2000). That summer after graduating, my dad had invited me to go on a pilgrimage to Rome to see Pope John Paul II. It would be my 3rd trip to Europe, but this time we were going to countries and cities I hadn't been to, like Paris, France, and other French cities before making our way through Italy, ending the journey in Rome. At this time, I was heavily involved in my faith. I went on retreats, went to Mass regularly, and while preparing for the pilgrimage, I had this short discussion with Dad:
Me: Dad, one of the main reasons I'm going on this pilgrimage is because I want God to tell me who I am.
Dad: No, no, son. Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be.
Take it in. It was heavy, and awesome. Re-read it if you have to. That's my dad.
The 2-week pilgrimage to Rome was in early August 2000. Though I have lots of memories about the trip, there's one very strong memory that I love. I had made friends with a guy there, and yes, I thought he was cute, but I knew he was straight. We had become good enough friends to where I opened up about my bicuriosity. He was always cool with me, and I'm so grateful for his friendship because the pilgrimage tested me in many ways. One day, we got on our bus, and we sat next to each other. The bus was always freezing. We had a blanket, and I asked him,
"Is it okay if I hold your hand?"
"Yeah, sure," he answered.
I held his hand, and though I knew we weren't boyfriends, the simple feeling of holding another boy's hand brought me so. much. peace. It felt like a confirmation of what my heart had been telling me for several years. I held his hand, and I felt loved. I felt peace. I felt fully connected to myself. It was amazing!
COLLEGE YEARS...THE TRUTH CAME OUT
Upon our return, I had started college. In that semester, I had met and started briefly dating my first and only girlfriend, "E".
Wait...what? Girlfriend? But you just held a guy's hand, loved it, and now you're with a girl?
Yes. Let me explain. Despite my immensely positive experience holding my friend's hand, I still wanted to be fair and give a relationship with a girl a chance. How often have I heard, "You just haven't found the right girl" or "How do you know you're gay if you've never even had a girlfriend?" Because I knew I'd face questioning like this, I felt I owed it to myself to try being in a straight relationship before I let my heart take me in any other direction.
So, during our relationship, I had confided in her that I considered myself "bicurious", and she was supportive and just said, "Well, if you learn that you are, let me know." So we were together for 6 weeks in that Fall semester, but we didn't break up because I came out (because that didn't happen for a few more months); we broke up because we decided we'd be better off as friends. We've remained friends to this day. A few months went by, and every day, again like in high school, I'd wake up asking myself, "Am I gay or straight?" One day, March 12, 2001, I woke up, and I just...knew. I thought to myself, Yep, I'm gay.
Once I knew for sure, a small part of me panicked, and I even tried to "pray the gay away" myself. I prayed relentlessly for a while, God, if you want me to be straight, please make me straight. But nothing changed. In fact, my feelings only became more solid. I didn't want this. I never sought after it. I never chose to be gay. But I did make 3 choices because of it:
Once I knew for sure, I came out to members of my family individually. Dad, Mom, brother, sister, and then extended family. The only person who was the most concerned was probably Mom because of the whole STD issue. But we talked and she understood that my goal was to save myself for the right person. Being the devout Catholic she is, I asked her for some spiritual counsel, and she said that as long as I maintained my relationship with God, I should be fine.
I love you, Mom.
I thank God for placing me in the family he did, because I received tremendous support. I was loved and accepted for who I was. I even remember coming out to my sister, and her reply was, "It's good to be gay!" with a big smile on her face. My sister was attending Boston University at the time, and when we went to her graduation in May 2001, I had witnessed my first gay pride parade.
Laredo doesn't have pride parades.
That same night, I felt grateful to have my family behind me, but very alone in the city where we lived. That evening, my brother told me, "Don't worry. One day you'll find the right guy for you." He was right. :-)
Now that I'm a teacher in an increasingly progressive world, when the whole bullying crisis took place, it broke my heart. It also made me feel grateful that the only bullying I ever coped with was other kids making fun of my name, and making fun of my taste in music. Even in high school when I was crushing on guys, I may've heard little slurs here and there, but I don't recall any being directed at me. I had friends, and my social skills improved, but once I graduated from high school, I went to college, declared myself a music major, and met fellow musicians (all of whom are still my friends to this day), and learned that they were cool with gay people because they knew several in their ensembles in high school. Of course popular shows like Will and Grace and Queer as Folk definitely helped in personifying us in a positive light. So in college, I had finally done it: made friends who completely accepted me and loved me as I was.
IT GETS BETTER!
After coming out, I was single for 3 years, and finally met my first boyfriend, "T". But we broke up because I had left Laredo to earn my Master's in grad school. While I was there, I made a very diverse circle of friends (socially progressive Catholic friends, more gay friends, and even new deaf friends), and, with perfect timing, months before I graduated, I met the man who I now consider my husband, even though it's illegal in Texas for us to get married.
My life has never been better. With my beloved, we each have our careers that we enjoy doing. We each have families and friends who are supportive of us. We have shelter, transportation, and we have our two dogs whom we love so much, and despite our numerous differences, we complement each other very well.
Every gay person's coming out story is different. Some of us can remember every detail (me), while others didn't experience it as such an important event. But because we're all born into our individual circumstances and situations, coming out is a very personal process. Some kids can come out very early, and others come out much, much later. The people around you can also influence when you come out, and whom you choose to come out to. I truly believe that if you have a socially conservative family, then make your friends your support system, or find a local or at least online organization that can be the support you need.
Coming out is also a good "friend filter", because, as Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
I'm now the very happy gay man who has a wonderful family (including my partner's family - they're awesome), a wonderfully diverse circle of friends, and as a bonus the bestest colleagues I could ever have. The school where I teach has some incredibly kind people working there. I'm out to all the staff, and it's not an issue, because it shouldn't be. In fact, whenever we have a social gathering planned, they wonder and hope my partner will join me. Having found the right person is one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Working with colleagues with whom I can openly share that part of my life is a bonus (after all, they share theirs with me).
As you grow up, you care so much about what your parents think and especially what your friends think. In middle school and high school, you might consider yourself lucky to have good, true friends, and loving, supportive parents. But in case you don't live in that world, you have to remember that in high school, and even sometimes in college, the people you interact with may be a direct representation of their home life's thinking and actions; anything different than what they know to believe is good and right is bad and wrong, and must be avoided, or treated in such a way as to motivate the victim of their ignorance to change their ways to become more like what they think they should be. The problem with such maltreatment is that it's viewed as "tough love" by one while it's viewed as intolerance and hate by the victim. But post high school, there's also that very good chance that you'll meet people who are no longer afraid to venture out of that sheltered world their parents created for them, and thereby learn, through their own personal experiences, that differences in people ought to be celebrated, not targeted.
Having grown up in a devoutly Catholic family, and coming out as gay, it forces you to do some soul searching and introspection. The Catholic Church is a highly-structured hierarchy where men make all the decisions, and sadly, in most cases, their decisions affect people or circumstances they've never met or been through. The Church has evolved into teaching her faithful that though homosexual acts are "intrinsically disordered", gay people are to be loved, embraced, and respected. The Church upholds the very strict view that any sexual intimacy must be open to procreation, which is why it condemns any homosexual intimacy since procreation cannot come out of such intimacy (this is also why they condemn artificial contraception). As a result, the Church welcomes gays in full participation of the sacraments and other religious benefits so long as they lead a chaste lifestyle. If you're a gay Catholic, that's okay, but if you want to be included completely in the church, you mustn't ever be in any same-sex intimate relationship. Ever. You're to be celibate.
So how am I so happy if these are my church's teachings? I thought long and hard about it for years, and came to this conclusion: Am I violating a Church teaching? Yes. But am I hurting anyone? No, in fact, quite the opposite, I'm loving someone for the rest of my life. My belief is that it's not sin if it's love. I'm in a loving, long-term, monogamous, committed relationship with a man who started off as my boyfriend and is now my life partner. We are everything a normal married couple is for a few exceptions: we have no biological children (just our dogs), and we have no legal or religious recognition of our relationship, but our Facebook status (in all its social authority) reflects how we feel "married" despite our lack of said recognitions.
Coming out is so important! Many people who oppose gay rights do so out of fear and ignorance. That fear and ignorance can be dispelled if someone they know comes out to them. Do it any way you can: write a letter, talk on the phone, do it in person, play or sing a song. Make a joke out of it by actually coming out of a real closet and ask, "What am I doing?" Just DO IT.
To conclude my story, which I hoped has at least entertained you, or at most inspired you, take into account my dad's sage advice: "Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be."
There's a whole wide world of loving, supportive, accepting people, and if such people are far away from you, then call or visit the Trevor Project. They have trained counselors ready to listen to you, judgment-free. Or call them at 1-866-488-7386. Get the help you need to be the person He wants you to be.
I have a reason for posting my It Gets Better story as a blog post as opposed to a video: I'm not out to my students, and I don't plan to come out to any of them until they're at least high school graduates. If I post a video, I don't want to be "discovered" by a student on YouTube. That's the last thing I want: "Hey! That's my music teacher!" Besides, my orientation is none of their business, and has no effect on their lives at all. But when I post my blogs online, I share the link on Facebook, and since I have several hundred Facebook friends, they are my primary audience. And any of them might need that extra push to come out or keep going. I feel my story is relevant and important because of the city where I grew up, the religious tradition I've practiced, and the kind of family and friends I have.
I'm choosing to post this today, on March 12, 2012, because it's my 11th anniversary of having come out, so the date is significant for me.
I'm 30 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I've always felt I was different. Always. From preschool to high school, I never felt like one of the regular boys in my classes. Just inside, I knew I was different. But for years, I didn't know how different.
I was born and raised in a Texas-Mexico border town, Laredo (pop. approx. 250K), and lived there until I graduated from college. Until college, I had been in private Catholic schools. For years, I was usually very socially awkward, so I never made friends very easily at school. My friends were my cousins. I'm one of 18 grand kids on my mom's side alone. I'm also the only gay family member.
Growing up and going to school in a predominantly Catholic border town, Laredo was (and still is) its own little bubble of a world. There's a strong Hispanic community (as that is most of the Laredoans there), and a strong Christian community (both Catholic and non-Catholic). As for other social diversity organization, not so much...at least, not when I lived there. Because of this "bubble" quality, my parents made it a point to get us as cultured as possible, exposing us to different languages, different music, art, and food from around the world, and took us on a couple of trips to Europe as well. So to foreshadow, when I realized I was gay, coming out wasn't hard, and I credit my family for that.
ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS
My earliest memories of having been attracted to anyone go as far back as kindergarten. Between kinder and 8th grade, I had major crushes on two different girls in my class. I had a crush on "A" for a few years, and then "A2" came around, and I thought she walked on water. Then for a couple of years, my crushes for either were gone, but by 8th grade, my crush on "A2" came back. However, I noticed something change within me.
While I was an adolescent crushing on the same girl...again...I was starting to notice boys, too. Like, really, I just started noticing, and what I was once oblivious to, was now starting to catch and hold my attention. At first I didn't think much of it. I thought a guy was good looking, so I was aesthetically appreciating their looks.
HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
But then high school began, and I was not only appreciating boys' physical appearance, I was starting to develop romantic feelings too, wanting to hold their hand, hug them and kiss them. As the high school years went by, I was crushing on both guys and girls, but less on girls, and more on guys. I hadn't shared my sentiments with anyone, because I wasn't sure about anything yet. I knew that if I was gay, I needed to be sure about it before coming out.
To backtrack a little, at one point during my high school years, I considered myself "bicurious". And because I felt comfortable enough, I talked to my dad about my "bicuriosity" explaining that I was crushing on both guys and girls, and didn't know what I was.
His response: "Enjoy your confusion. You're not out to hurt anyone or yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself, and be the best you can be of whoever God made you to be."
Awesome dad, right? I know. That's love right there.
SANITY-SAVING ADVICE
Fast-forward to high school graduation (2000). That summer after graduating, my dad had invited me to go on a pilgrimage to Rome to see Pope John Paul II. It would be my 3rd trip to Europe, but this time we were going to countries and cities I hadn't been to, like Paris, France, and other French cities before making our way through Italy, ending the journey in Rome. At this time, I was heavily involved in my faith. I went on retreats, went to Mass regularly, and while preparing for the pilgrimage, I had this short discussion with Dad:
Me: Dad, one of the main reasons I'm going on this pilgrimage is because I want God to tell me who I am.
Dad: No, no, son. Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be.
Take it in. It was heavy, and awesome. Re-read it if you have to. That's my dad.
The 2-week pilgrimage to Rome was in early August 2000. Though I have lots of memories about the trip, there's one very strong memory that I love. I had made friends with a guy there, and yes, I thought he was cute, but I knew he was straight. We had become good enough friends to where I opened up about my bicuriosity. He was always cool with me, and I'm so grateful for his friendship because the pilgrimage tested me in many ways. One day, we got on our bus, and we sat next to each other. The bus was always freezing. We had a blanket, and I asked him,
"Is it okay if I hold your hand?"
"Yeah, sure," he answered.
I held his hand, and though I knew we weren't boyfriends, the simple feeling of holding another boy's hand brought me so. much. peace. It felt like a confirmation of what my heart had been telling me for several years. I held his hand, and I felt loved. I felt peace. I felt fully connected to myself. It was amazing!
COLLEGE YEARS...THE TRUTH CAME OUT
Upon our return, I had started college. In that semester, I had met and started briefly dating my first and only girlfriend, "E".
Wait...what? Girlfriend? But you just held a guy's hand, loved it, and now you're with a girl?
Yes. Let me explain. Despite my immensely positive experience holding my friend's hand, I still wanted to be fair and give a relationship with a girl a chance. How often have I heard, "You just haven't found the right girl" or "How do you know you're gay if you've never even had a girlfriend?" Because I knew I'd face questioning like this, I felt I owed it to myself to try being in a straight relationship before I let my heart take me in any other direction.
So, during our relationship, I had confided in her that I considered myself "bicurious", and she was supportive and just said, "Well, if you learn that you are, let me know." So we were together for 6 weeks in that Fall semester, but we didn't break up because I came out (because that didn't happen for a few more months); we broke up because we decided we'd be better off as friends. We've remained friends to this day. A few months went by, and every day, again like in high school, I'd wake up asking myself, "Am I gay or straight?" One day, March 12, 2001, I woke up, and I just...knew. I thought to myself, Yep, I'm gay.
Once I knew for sure, a small part of me panicked, and I even tried to "pray the gay away" myself. I prayed relentlessly for a while, God, if you want me to be straight, please make me straight. But nothing changed. In fact, my feelings only became more solid. I didn't want this. I never sought after it. I never chose to be gay. But I did make 3 choices because of it:
- I chose to come out to myself and "accept whoever God wanted me to be" (Dad's advice).
- I chose to come out to friends and family.
- I chose to find someone to love.
Once I knew for sure, I came out to members of my family individually. Dad, Mom, brother, sister, and then extended family. The only person who was the most concerned was probably Mom because of the whole STD issue. But we talked and she understood that my goal was to save myself for the right person. Being the devout Catholic she is, I asked her for some spiritual counsel, and she said that as long as I maintained my relationship with God, I should be fine.
I love you, Mom.
I thank God for placing me in the family he did, because I received tremendous support. I was loved and accepted for who I was. I even remember coming out to my sister, and her reply was, "It's good to be gay!" with a big smile on her face. My sister was attending Boston University at the time, and when we went to her graduation in May 2001, I had witnessed my first gay pride parade.
Laredo doesn't have pride parades.
That same night, I felt grateful to have my family behind me, but very alone in the city where we lived. That evening, my brother told me, "Don't worry. One day you'll find the right guy for you." He was right. :-)
Now that I'm a teacher in an increasingly progressive world, when the whole bullying crisis took place, it broke my heart. It also made me feel grateful that the only bullying I ever coped with was other kids making fun of my name, and making fun of my taste in music. Even in high school when I was crushing on guys, I may've heard little slurs here and there, but I don't recall any being directed at me. I had friends, and my social skills improved, but once I graduated from high school, I went to college, declared myself a music major, and met fellow musicians (all of whom are still my friends to this day), and learned that they were cool with gay people because they knew several in their ensembles in high school. Of course popular shows like Will and Grace and Queer as Folk definitely helped in personifying us in a positive light. So in college, I had finally done it: made friends who completely accepted me and loved me as I was.
IT GETS BETTER!
After coming out, I was single for 3 years, and finally met my first boyfriend, "T". But we broke up because I had left Laredo to earn my Master's in grad school. While I was there, I made a very diverse circle of friends (socially progressive Catholic friends, more gay friends, and even new deaf friends), and, with perfect timing, months before I graduated, I met the man who I now consider my husband, even though it's illegal in Texas for us to get married.
My life has never been better. With my beloved, we each have our careers that we enjoy doing. We each have families and friends who are supportive of us. We have shelter, transportation, and we have our two dogs whom we love so much, and despite our numerous differences, we complement each other very well.
Every gay person's coming out story is different. Some of us can remember every detail (me), while others didn't experience it as such an important event. But because we're all born into our individual circumstances and situations, coming out is a very personal process. Some kids can come out very early, and others come out much, much later. The people around you can also influence when you come out, and whom you choose to come out to. I truly believe that if you have a socially conservative family, then make your friends your support system, or find a local or at least online organization that can be the support you need.
Coming out is also a good "friend filter", because, as Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
I'm now the very happy gay man who has a wonderful family (including my partner's family - they're awesome), a wonderfully diverse circle of friends, and as a bonus the bestest colleagues I could ever have. The school where I teach has some incredibly kind people working there. I'm out to all the staff, and it's not an issue, because it shouldn't be. In fact, whenever we have a social gathering planned, they wonder and hope my partner will join me. Having found the right person is one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Working with colleagues with whom I can openly share that part of my life is a bonus (after all, they share theirs with me).
As you grow up, you care so much about what your parents think and especially what your friends think. In middle school and high school, you might consider yourself lucky to have good, true friends, and loving, supportive parents. But in case you don't live in that world, you have to remember that in high school, and even sometimes in college, the people you interact with may be a direct representation of their home life's thinking and actions; anything different than what they know to believe is good and right is bad and wrong, and must be avoided, or treated in such a way as to motivate the victim of their ignorance to change their ways to become more like what they think they should be. The problem with such maltreatment is that it's viewed as "tough love" by one while it's viewed as intolerance and hate by the victim. But post high school, there's also that very good chance that you'll meet people who are no longer afraid to venture out of that sheltered world their parents created for them, and thereby learn, through their own personal experiences, that differences in people ought to be celebrated, not targeted.
Having grown up in a devoutly Catholic family, and coming out as gay, it forces you to do some soul searching and introspection. The Catholic Church is a highly-structured hierarchy where men make all the decisions, and sadly, in most cases, their decisions affect people or circumstances they've never met or been through. The Church has evolved into teaching her faithful that though homosexual acts are "intrinsically disordered", gay people are to be loved, embraced, and respected. The Church upholds the very strict view that any sexual intimacy must be open to procreation, which is why it condemns any homosexual intimacy since procreation cannot come out of such intimacy (this is also why they condemn artificial contraception). As a result, the Church welcomes gays in full participation of the sacraments and other religious benefits so long as they lead a chaste lifestyle. If you're a gay Catholic, that's okay, but if you want to be included completely in the church, you mustn't ever be in any same-sex intimate relationship. Ever. You're to be celibate.
So how am I so happy if these are my church's teachings? I thought long and hard about it for years, and came to this conclusion: Am I violating a Church teaching? Yes. But am I hurting anyone? No, in fact, quite the opposite, I'm loving someone for the rest of my life. My belief is that it's not sin if it's love. I'm in a loving, long-term, monogamous, committed relationship with a man who started off as my boyfriend and is now my life partner. We are everything a normal married couple is for a few exceptions: we have no biological children (just our dogs), and we have no legal or religious recognition of our relationship, but our Facebook status (in all its social authority) reflects how we feel "married" despite our lack of said recognitions.
Coming out is so important! Many people who oppose gay rights do so out of fear and ignorance. That fear and ignorance can be dispelled if someone they know comes out to them. Do it any way you can: write a letter, talk on the phone, do it in person, play or sing a song. Make a joke out of it by actually coming out of a real closet and ask, "What am I doing?" Just DO IT.
To conclude my story, which I hoped has at least entertained you, or at most inspired you, take into account my dad's sage advice: "Don't ask God to tell you who you are; ask God to help you accept whoever He wants you to be."
There's a whole wide world of loving, supportive, accepting people, and if such people are far away from you, then call or visit the Trevor Project. They have trained counselors ready to listen to you, judgment-free. Or call them at 1-866-488-7386. Get the help you need to be the person He wants you to be.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Equally oriented
George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, and Stephen Baldwin, better known as Alec Baldwin's looney Christian brother, got together and debated gay marriage and homosexuality with A.J. Hammer on his show, and responded to Kirk Cameron's comments to Piers Morgan about his views on the same topics.
Cameron used to be on Growing Pains, playing Mike Seaver, a rambunctious teenager, always getting into trouble, crazy about girls, and learning valuable lessons on each episode. He was handsome, and a major teen heartthrob in his day, living a carefree lifestyle. I still think he's handsome even now...until he opens his mouth. Cameron became a born-again Christian, and has since become a celebrity voice supporting right-wing Christianity and related positions with regard to social issues. He's even made movies based on Christian ideologies, and has gone evangelical. He and Pat Robertson probably have a secret love language.
My personal opinion on Cameron's beliefs and actions? It's his life. If he's happy doing that, more power to him. The only bad news is that doing that hurts and continues to marginalize those who don't live or see life the way he does. What I see with so many born-agains is that they are so devoted to the Bible, that they become self-righteous. They no longer see life in all the shades of gray it has, but rather in black and white. They see themselves in the white part (probably), and anything that doesn't fall in line with their beliefs is in the black part, and MUST be converted, or be excluded from the really all-inclusive love I truly believe God has for all his children.
When I saw this debate with Takei and Baldwin, Takei made some great remarks that I give him major props for. In one moment, Baldwin mentions he knows people who live a gay "lifestyle". Takei interrupts and corrects him: "It's not a lifestyle, it's an orientation."
I loved his remark because it's so true! After hearing Takei say that, I felt he gave true meaning to the word itself, which, according to dictionary.com, means "the state of being oriented". When I think of an "orientation" and how that word is being applied to sexuality, the only times I know of when we use the word "orientation" or anything similar to it is in the following contexts:
1. new employment
2. medical side effects
3. familiarizing oneself with anything
When we start a new job, we usually attend employee orientations to familiarize ourselves with our new surroundings, and the upcoming expectations and requirements we'll need to meet to do the job correctly. Or, we'll be prescribed or take medications, and their side effects may include disorientation when you don't know who you are, where you are, what you're doing, or anything like that. I know for a fact that if you wake me up abruptly from a nap, I'm a little disoriented until I'm finally good to go. Or maybe you've bought a new software program, a new machine for your home, or whatever. You need to work with it to understand it. You need to orient yourself with it.
Taking that meaning to that level, now let's apply it to our sexuality. Part of how our bodies work is to enjoy sexual pleasure with another partner. Any (reasonably intelligent) adult knows this. We'll see someone, and our own chemical make up makes our brains respond to how we interact with that person. We may find them physically attractive to the point where we'll be sexually aroused. We may find their personality to complement ours, and therefore be more drawn to spending more time with them. Further, through more time with that person, you find you'll develop strong feelings which will lead you to want to share intimate, even sexual, experiences with them. With sexual orientations, we don't tell our body what to feel. Our body tells US what IT is feeling, because it's oriented to respond a certain way to what it experiences, be it with a member of the opposite or same sex as us.
I believe that THAT is Takei's point in his amazing statement. That's why the words "sexual orientation" are so powerful, and that's why gay rights organizations are fighting to get those two words included in so many legislations right now!
At another point in the debate, Baldwin mentioned Cynthia Nixon, the red-head cast member of Sex and the City who is an out lesbian. Nixon came under fire by the gay community when she said she "chose" to be gay. Needless to say, this pissed off a LOT of gay rights organizations who constantly fight right-wingers from telling gay people it's a choice, and that - even worse - it can be cured...as if it were a disease. Nixon was asked to change her comments to saying she was bisexual, but she stood by her comments saying, "I've been straight, I've been gay, and gay is better." Nixon was with a guy for 15 years, and had two kids with him. Now, she and her long-term partner have a boy together, too.
Most gay people would probably label Nixon as being bisexual, a label she disagrees with. Speaking for myself, I've met people who claim a bisexual orientation, two of which happen to be good friends of mine. Do *I* believe people can be bisexual? Yes. Other gay people, and even some straight people, disagree with the label claiming that it's a label for gay people who want to be straight, or that one is just "on the fence" and needs a push in either direction.
If you're bisexual, and you're truly equally attracted to both the male and female sex, that is pretty much the only context I, personally, can see anyone choosing to be gay or straight. Bisexuals may fall in love with a same-sex partner and choose to live their life with them exclusively, or they'll fall in love with an opposite-sex partner, and do the same. In that context, you can choose to be "gay" or "straight".
If that's the case for Nixon, then she's bisexual, but just rejects the label, which is fine. There's no crime for doing that. But for years, the gay community has been fighting the notion that one's sexual orientation is a choice, a switch you can turn on and off.
One of the other points Takei makes against Baldwin is that both Baldwin's and Cameron's perspectives are faith-based, and many others whose faith-based oppositions to gay equality influence what they support, oppose, how they vote, and especially who they vote for. Takei makes the point that though he respects Baldwin's faith-based perspective, he reiterates that the argument has nothing to do with faith, but with civil equality, which is granted in the U.S. Constitution.
Despite any argument anyone can have about gay equality, my argument in favor of it is extremely simple, like, elementary school simple:
If you were gay, wouldn't you want to be treated equally too?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I love him, but I love my wallet, too
This post is not intended to attack certain social behaviors, rather it's meant to bring awareness to said social behaviors by questioning them.
Valentine's Day has come and gone. Here in America, it's one day out of the year that if you're in a relationship, you're typically expected to do something special. If you're single, you are either apathetic, hate the day completely, or are easily irritated on this day.
My partner dislikes V-Day, primarily because of how commercialized it's become. Upon discussing our initial differences, I consider myself to be the traditional hopeless romantic. I love surprises, I love surprising people, and V-Day is a great way to surprise the people you love.
I went online the other day to see what bouquets are going for now. I wasn't planning to buy one, just looking. And, let me just say, my wallet would have issues. Some bouquets are insanely expensive! The prices I saw were anywhere from $40 to $200+! Those prices, by the way, do NOT include taxes or delivery charges.
When I was younger, V-Day was a big deal. As an adult, for me, it's still a big deal, but not as big as it was when I was a kid. One of the things that has helped me disconnect from the commercial popularity of this day is that my partner's birthday is 2 days later. So rather than getting him a V-Day gift (which I've done before), I now just get him birthday gifts. But gifting things to him made me realize something:
Why must we assign a day that demonstrates one's love for another, as if that's THE day to show your love for that person? If you love someone, or better, if you're IN LOVE with someone, and you're in a loving, committed relationship, you should have Valentine's love (if we can describe it as its own category), every day you're with that person.
For that matter, we could say the same thing about holidays in general, like Christmas. Why do we feel to be compelled to be our most charitable around Christmas when charitable needs are really on-going?
I'll admit, when I learned my partner wasn't a subscriber, in the slightest, to the V-Day hype, I felt a little...alone. It was like I had all these romantic ideas that had built up in anticipation of the holiday, only to feel them melt away abruptly. It sucked. But when we sat down and talked about it, his thinking made sense. He wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, just trying to explain his own. I learned I didn't have to spend money on one particular day just because society and commercialization told me to do so. I learned that any day can be a V-Day when you do something nice, big or small, for the person you love. There've been a few days when I had come home from work and dinner was ready. What a treat! And of course, I returned the favor. One of my favorite things he does is send me short-n-sweet "I love you!" text messages unexpectedly. Those three words in a surprise text make me smile and fall for him all over again! In those moments, I've sometimes wanted to get home quickly, excited to be with him at the end of the day.
*sigh* Since we've been together for a few years now, and V-Day comes around, I enjoy seeing others get happy and excited as they anticipate the joys of the day. I also see others get a little stressed. Having let go of my subscription to V-Day, I no longer feel the stress of "It has to be perfect!" for that day. Because when you're in love, V-Day is every day. You don't need Walgreens or any other company insinuating that you need to spend money to show love. That's ridiculous. You need to spend money to show CORPORATIONS love.
I love Frank, and he knows it because I tell him every day. I show him my love by telling him, and doing little things for him. I'll make him his favorite tea when he asks. I'll give him massages when he asks (my massages kick ass). I do certain household chores he loathes doing because I don't mind doing them. He loves me back by helping me solve my problems. He helps me put problems into perspective when I feel like they're worse than they are.He affirms me. He forgives my mistakes. He teaches me new things all the time. He sends me surprise text messages. And probably one of my favorite things is his term of endearment for me, which no one else has ever called me, and no one else will be allowed to. I would write it here, but I only ever want it to come out of his mouth directing it to me. It's nothing dirty or naughty. In fact, it's sweet enough to share with anyone. I just want to keep it between us.
Bottom line: you don't need a particular day that bombards your TV with commercials about how much you can save when you spend a certain amount. You can save even more when you don't spend any money at all. Money has never bought happiness or love. And if you're with someone who measures your love by what you buy them, then fill out a reality check in their name to deposit into their bank.
Love has no monetary price, and it never will.
Valentine's Day has come and gone. Here in America, it's one day out of the year that if you're in a relationship, you're typically expected to do something special. If you're single, you are either apathetic, hate the day completely, or are easily irritated on this day.
My partner dislikes V-Day, primarily because of how commercialized it's become. Upon discussing our initial differences, I consider myself to be the traditional hopeless romantic. I love surprises, I love surprising people, and V-Day is a great way to surprise the people you love.
I went online the other day to see what bouquets are going for now. I wasn't planning to buy one, just looking. And, let me just say, my wallet would have issues. Some bouquets are insanely expensive! The prices I saw were anywhere from $40 to $200+! Those prices, by the way, do NOT include taxes or delivery charges.
When I was younger, V-Day was a big deal. As an adult, for me, it's still a big deal, but not as big as it was when I was a kid. One of the things that has helped me disconnect from the commercial popularity of this day is that my partner's birthday is 2 days later. So rather than getting him a V-Day gift (which I've done before), I now just get him birthday gifts. But gifting things to him made me realize something:
Why must we assign a day that demonstrates one's love for another, as if that's THE day to show your love for that person? If you love someone, or better, if you're IN LOVE with someone, and you're in a loving, committed relationship, you should have Valentine's love (if we can describe it as its own category), every day you're with that person.
For that matter, we could say the same thing about holidays in general, like Christmas. Why do we feel to be compelled to be our most charitable around Christmas when charitable needs are really on-going?
I'll admit, when I learned my partner wasn't a subscriber, in the slightest, to the V-Day hype, I felt a little...alone. It was like I had all these romantic ideas that had built up in anticipation of the holiday, only to feel them melt away abruptly. It sucked. But when we sat down and talked about it, his thinking made sense. He wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, just trying to explain his own. I learned I didn't have to spend money on one particular day just because society and commercialization told me to do so. I learned that any day can be a V-Day when you do something nice, big or small, for the person you love. There've been a few days when I had come home from work and dinner was ready. What a treat! And of course, I returned the favor. One of my favorite things he does is send me short-n-sweet "I love you!" text messages unexpectedly. Those three words in a surprise text make me smile and fall for him all over again! In those moments, I've sometimes wanted to get home quickly, excited to be with him at the end of the day.
*sigh* Since we've been together for a few years now, and V-Day comes around, I enjoy seeing others get happy and excited as they anticipate the joys of the day. I also see others get a little stressed. Having let go of my subscription to V-Day, I no longer feel the stress of "It has to be perfect!" for that day. Because when you're in love, V-Day is every day. You don't need Walgreens or any other company insinuating that you need to spend money to show love. That's ridiculous. You need to spend money to show CORPORATIONS love.
I love Frank, and he knows it because I tell him every day. I show him my love by telling him, and doing little things for him. I'll make him his favorite tea when he asks. I'll give him massages when he asks (my massages kick ass). I do certain household chores he loathes doing because I don't mind doing them. He loves me back by helping me solve my problems. He helps me put problems into perspective when I feel like they're worse than they are.He affirms me. He forgives my mistakes. He teaches me new things all the time. He sends me surprise text messages. And probably one of my favorite things is his term of endearment for me, which no one else has ever called me, and no one else will be allowed to. I would write it here, but I only ever want it to come out of his mouth directing it to me. It's nothing dirty or naughty. In fact, it's sweet enough to share with anyone. I just want to keep it between us.
Bottom line: you don't need a particular day that bombards your TV with commercials about how much you can save when you spend a certain amount. You can save even more when you don't spend any money at all. Money has never bought happiness or love. And if you're with someone who measures your love by what you buy them, then fill out a reality check in their name to deposit into their bank.
Love has no monetary price, and it never will.
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