Why "The Oven"?

I googled "open oven pic" and found the background that now fits my blog. So the background has been appropriately changed to reflect the metaphor behind both my blog's name and purpose. 

So, why do I call this blog "The Oven"? The name has a few references to it:

1. It's an extension of a nickname my friend Cindy gave me. We met when I was in graduate school, and she's the type that makes up nicknames for everyone, and everything. When trying to figure out a nickname for me, I told her how I once called my former piano professor and college mentor - whose name is Fritz - "Fritzbiscuit". Once I said that, she called me "Jimmybiscuit", and calls me "Biscuit" for short. And it's probably my favorite nickname, but only she and that circle of friends are allowed to call me that.
   
   All that being said, biscuits are usually baked in an oven, and when they're done, they're ready to consume. So, I metaphorically refer to my mind as "the oven" where all my thoughts, opinions, and ideas come to fruition. Then they're ready to be shared with the world.
   
   
2. Ovens always heat up when in use. That's how they work. And they can heat up to various degrees of heat depending on what they have inside. This refers to my love for hot topics. I particularly love to discuss progressive versus conservative politics, such as marriage equality, social issues, and other things. I'll also discuss my views on religion at times. 

So, that's pretty much the gist behind the name of the blog.

But you know what? I've discovered something. Though professionally, I'm an elementary music teacher (I'm certified in Texas to teach PK-12th grade; I hold two degrees in music, as well as a certificate in Kodály pedagogy), I've discovered that I love writing. I love expressing myself through writing. Every time I post a blog, I feel like one of those writers who has a piece in an op-ed of a nationally renowned newspaper, like The Washington Post or The New York Times. Blogs allow people to put their thoughts into writing, and share them with both friends, and even strangers around the world. I love languages, and grammar, and spelling. I love using big words like "obfuscate". Yes, it's real. They used it on The X-Files, and I looked it up because the word confused me, and then I learned that its denotation did exactly that.

But if I'm a professional musician who's certified to teach, and has an advanced degree in music, what do I like to do musically? I love to sing, play piano, experiment with other instruments. My instruments are piano and voice, primarily. I usually have no problem bursting into song while shopping. I adore karaoke, and I don't need to get plastered to get up to sing. I love concerts, and playing popular, classical, or original music on my piano or iPhone. When I'm driving, I'll look at the road in front of me as if there's a camera, and I'm shooting a music video. I love to teach music because I love showing kids how music works, and then I get that amazing feeling when they finally read, understand, and perform the "dots on the page". I love teaching music. I'm good at it, and I get paid to do it.

So, as much as I love teaching music and being a musician, I also love the written word. I can spend hours on my computer reading article after article, and then reading all the comments from other readers. Then I can click on some readers to find their blogs, and read about what they have to say about any topic. I consider myself a very social person. I love to know what people think about all kinds of stuff. I love having those conversations, as they help you get to know someone far beyond the surface of small talk. I feel like blogging is a great way to keep that conversation going. Through blogging, you can also find out, as you read, with whom you can have deep, intellectual conversations, and with whom you can probably only have civil conversations. And yes, there's a BIG difference.

This blog is a mental playground. When you go to a regular, real-life playground, you hear the shouts of children playing together, laughing, running freely. The sounds of this playground are the sounds of every keystroke on the keyboard as I type. I hear each keystroke as if it was one of the ingredients for the concoction that's about to be released from "the oven". I also envision a sheet of paper, with a pen in hand, where my hand, through a few symbolic writings, communicates the thoughts that reside in my mind. I can liken this image to one of the lyrics in the song "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick:

Two AM, and I'm still awake writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
cause these words are my diary screamin' out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to.

 That is SUCH a good song! 

So, anyway, that's why my blog is called "The Oven". I feel, also, that I communicate much better in writing than I do when I speak. I've been known, when speaking, to, well...not think before I speak. But when I write, I portray myself intelligently (I think), and if there's anything I probably shouldn't say, I can edit it before it's ready to be taken out of the oven of my mind.

Be yourself.* (*Some restrictions apply)

I'm not sure where else besides Texas it may exist, but Texas is an "at will" state where employees can be fired "at will" of the employer. Granted, if you have given your employer a good reason to fire you, then by all means, you're screwed for poor conduct, or a poor choice of words or actions. The gay community has been advocating support for Congress to pass ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) which would protect people like me for getting fired simply because of our sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression. In Texas, we don't have that protection.

I'm a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher. I'm an elementary teacher who loves his job, gets paid an amount that supports a comfortable lifestyle. I'm also an elementary teacher who happens to be gay. My colleagues know, but my students? If they do, they don't bring it up, and I keep it completely private because it's frankly none of their business. Besides, they're likely not old enough to understand what being gay means, unless they watch Glee or Modern Family. Boys that age are still repulsed by girls, and girls typically feel mutually.

I've made it a professional - and personal - goal to never lie to my students. Ever. If I do or say something where I truly am at fault, I'll take ownership of it to model the importance of responsibility and self-accountability. Because of my insistence in never lying to them, I've had to answer a question I'd prefer not to be asked:

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yes. [I used to say this because I truly do feel married...even though I honestly am not, legally or otherwise, but because I felt married, saying "Yes" was an honest response.]

That was during my first 2 years teaching. As the next few years went by, I re-evaluated this response and concluded that if I answer this question - which kids inevitably ask because they're naturally curious about their teachers' personal lives - I may get a follow-up question whose response could be honest, but not to my preference of honesty:

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
Student: What's your wife's name?

I can't answer that question honestly unless I reply "That's private" or "None of your business." Technically, it's an honest answer. But, why is a spouse's name private? I don't think there's anything wrong with being asked that question. I find nothing invasive about it, except that I don't have a wife. So, in order to maintain my privacy, and still model honesty, I've changed my response to the first question:

Student: Are you married?
Me: That's none of your business.

I'm far more comfortable answering that, because I do feel like I'm being honest and protecting my privacy all at the same time. I just stop them early and prevent myself from having to lie about an even less private question. Of course once asked, and after answering, I change the subject immediately. I do wear my commitment ring on the appropriate finger. In fact, I never take it off. They can draw their own conclusions, I just won't help them do it. I've had a couple of students ask me this year:

Student: Are you married?
Me: That's none of your business.
Another student: See his ring? Of course he's married.

They're saying it; I'm not. The way I see it, they're drawing their own conclusion, and I'm not lying at all. I'm stating the truth, that some aspects of my personal life truly are none of their business. Further, I show them they won't get more information than "That's none of your business." Also, it gives their curiosity a dead end before they use it to probe further.


When I know I'm in safe environments, I'm free to be myself completely. But what if I go to a movie theatre, shopping center, park, or restaurant? So many couples show that they're someone's boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife by simply holding hands in public. It's a strong, common social statement. Some go as far as to share a kiss among passers-by. Even if any of those straight couples are teachers like me, if they're spotted by a student, the student's reaction may be something like:

Student: Oh, there's my teacher! Hi! *waves*
Teacher: Hi there! *waves back*

But what if that teacher is me? Frank and I could be at the mall, and I may want to hold his hand. Harmless, right? What if a student was to see me holding him? When kids see their teacher in public somewhere outside school, the next day, they'll tell the teacher: "I saw you at [insert location here]!"

One night, around 8 or 9 pm, I went to Best Buy with Frank. It was a school night. Inside, I spotted one of my first grade students. I wasn't seen. The next morning, a 5th grader approached me:

Student: I saw you last night.
Me: Where? At the grocery store? (I had been there after leaving school that day.)
Student: No, at Best Buy.
Me: Oh, yes, I was there.

The scary part is that I never saw that student...but they saw me. Had I let myself be uninhibited that evening, that conversation wouldn't have ended there:

Student: You were holding another guy's hand!

How do I get out of that without lying?

Worst case scenario is that one of my students has the type of parents that are ignorant enough to think that if their child's teacher is gay, it may influence their child to be gay too, and then because there is no employment protection for gay people in Texas, I could lose my job since Texas is also an "at will" state. I realize I could be overreacting, but I don't want to risk it either.

Despite whatever sacrifice I, and other gay teachers may have to make in public to keep our income uninterrupted to pay bills, what upsets me more is a great hypocrisy in this country:

We teach children to "be yourself." There should be no asterisk (*) after that statement with fine print to read where "Some restrictions apply". When we add those restrictions, we place conditions on our love for our children. And our children are our future.

Kids learn differently, and schools, by law, accommodate them. Gay people love differently, and the workplace, by law, should accommodate us.

It takes someone special...

...to know and love you so completely that he/she:

• voices your exact thoughts before you do. 
• understands your mind and thinking so fluently to accurately predict your next thought, statement, or action. 
• can give you an honest and direct reality check in such a way that it doesn't hurt your feelings, but instead makes you immensely grateful that you're hearing what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. 
• loves you no matter how your quirks might irritate him/her. 
• pushes you to be a better you, if you're the type with a tendency to be dependent on others' help due to a lack of self-confidence.
• celebrates all your virtues, and accepts all your flaws. 
• knows just what to say or do to make you feel better. 
• with just one gesture or statement, can instantly fill you with joy and peace. 
• sees you for who you really are, and loves it all unconditionally. 
• knows how to explain anything to you better than anyone else can. 
• can make you laugh at yourself without ever hurting your feelings. 

The law and our church believe we are strangers to each other. My mind, heart, and soul confirm he is my husband.

My spending fast...one month left

Back in fall of 2010, the Public Relations officer from Randolph-Brooks Federal Credit Union (@rbfcu) tweeted about a woman who made a New Years Resolution to go on a spending fast, in which she wouldn't spend any money at all on wants...just needs. The goal was to reduce consumer debt. Her plan, despite all her apparent withdrawal and consumerist sacrifice (no paid social outings like going out to eat, or the movies), she either made a big dent in paying off her debt, or she eliminated big chunks of it. Since at the time I read the story about this woman, I had no idea what my NYR should be, I realized I should do the same thing.

Normally, I might make a NYR, but how many of us actually hold ourselves to it each year? I mean, really. Let's be honest. Do you make a NYR, only to give up on it a couple months later? Knowing this, I decided to do it, and made a conscious daily choice to not spend on anything I wanted...only what I needed. Easily simplified, it meant, after paying all my monthly bills that my teacher paycheck pays, (mortgage, car, student loan, cell phone, credit cards), I only had a few hundred per month for "gas and groceries" and professional expenses...or so I thought.

At first making this NYR, I felt relatively comfortable doing it. But I didn't think about all the "uh-ohs" that come with life, like car maintenance, and new tires if you get a nail in your tire, and doctor visits, and medical prescriptions. I was so short-sighted to think that after paying all bills, "gas and groceries" was all that would be left. As each "uh-oh" event came (and they did), if I didn't have enough cash from my paycheck, I'd be forced to use my credit cards. Since my credit card debt has been on a steady incline in the past few years, this NYR was particularly designed to keep me from adding to it.

-NO impulse spending
-NO stupid justifications for any unnecessary purchases
-NO movie or restaurant outings unless someone else paid
-Want the DVD? Wait for it to be available on Netflix
-Want a new single, soundtrack, or album? Ask for iTunes gift cards for your birthday or Christmas. (I teach music for a living, so this was ESPECIALLY difficult!)

The only eating out I allowed myself was usually fast food when I needed to eat, and didn't have enough time to go home and eat. That was justifiable.

So where do I stand now? I've almost made it through November with one month left to go. In retrospect, I can say this: My fast hasn't been perfect. It could've been better. There are plenty of things I've wanted to buy and didn't. I've fought many moments of seeing something online or in-store that I wanted, and thinking, Fuck it. I'll just charge it, and resisted the urge.

Like I said earlier, it was my goal/hope that I'd pay off a good chunk of my credit card debt through this NYR. Well, because of life, that didn't happen. Instead, my credit card debt increased. Why? A few factors could be to blame:

-I should've driven around less. That would've saved gas, giving me more cash to use per month to refrain from using credit cards.

-I gave to charities - granted, not much - thinking that despite my intention to reduce debt, I'd receive some sort of Good Samaritan blessing from God for giving even when I didn't have anything to give. Though the effect this could've had on my debt is undoubtedly minimal, I know it played a role, but I don't regret doing it either.

-I could've gotten a summer job teaching music at one of those after-school academies, and though I had the opportunity, I was lazy and let it pass me by. The extra income would've reduced the amount I charged for necessities during the summer, and would've made the summer a LOT more financially bearable.

Over the past 7 months, or so, I had some credit card adventures, too. And by that, I mean taking advantage of certain offers or promotions a card offered to help save money. I consider it an adventure because I had never done balance transfers before. First time for everything, right?

I have 4 credit cards (from lowest limit to highest):
-Chase MC (lowest limit, with a 12% APR, with points rewards)
-AMEX (9.9% APR, with cash back rewards for Costco)
-Discover (14% APR, with points rewards)
-Citi MC (16.99% APR, with cash back rewards)


The AMEX is a joint account with my partner. I don't pay on that one, he does.

As for the others, let me break it down as to what happened in these "adventures".
-At the start of the fast, my Disc and Chase had BIG balances, and my Citi, with a LARGE limit, was clean. I hated paying 2 credit card bills each month, so I checked Citi to see if there was a balance transfer promotion. There was.

-I transferred my Disc and Chase balances to Citi with a promotion that gave me 0% APR until March of 2012. And I'd still have plenty of room to charge if necessary (i.e., when my cash ran out, and I needed things). Well, over the next few months, plenty of "life happens" events took place requiring me to charge, and my Citi balance sky rocketed to where I was closer to my limit than I wanted to be. (I also was okay with using the Citi because I knew that even though I was increasing my debt, I'd earn a cash back check eventually...and I did; a whopping $50.) Damn, I wish there was a font for sarcasm!

-Knowing I needed "space" on my Citi, I looked at my Disc again (as it had the 2nd highest limit of all my cards), and lo and behold, they had a balance transfer option too, until March (or April) 2012.

-So, I took a big chunk of the balance from Citi, and put it back on the Disc, which left me more room on my Citi to continue charging when necessary. For a few months, I was able to not charge on my Disc at all. But my Citi balance continued to increase to where I needed to stop charging there, and start charging on Disc instead. Why? When I've paid my statements this year, I've really only paid the minimum payment because that way, I could satisfy my card agreement, and still have cash to use. The more I paid off, the less cash I had to make it through the month, which would force me to charge on the card even sooner, thereby essentially canceling out whatever extra I paid on the card.

-Since I had two monster balances on my Citi and Disc, I looked to my favorite financial institution, RBFCU, and learned about their credit card and balance transfer options. So, I thought, I'll apply and transfer everything to that card since they're such a bad-ass-awesome institution, and I'm tired of dealing with big banks. Well, I applied, and though my credit is okay, I have too many financial obligations to take on a 3rd balance transfer of the amount I needed. So, I'm stuck paying 2 cards for a little while. 

So here's my plan for the rest of the year:
1. Keep the fast going and charge on Disc as that has more room than the Citi does through the end of the year.
2. Once I get my tax statements (either Dec. or Jan.) and get my IRS refund in January (yes, I file QUICKLY), I'll use a large chunk of it to pay down my car, unless I can pay it off (it's final payment is supposed to be June 2012).
3. Once the car is paid off, use that money to pay the cards, or by then reapply for the RBFCU cards I was initially declined. By then, I'll have one less bill to pay per month.

We'll see how this plan works.

Memories of my 20s, and related reflections

Today is my 365th day of being a 29-year-old. In about 12 hours, I'll be turning 30. My 20s will be over and will never come back again. Ever.

On my way to work this morning, I took a moment to reminisce on each of my last 10 birthdays.

• 20 - At home in Laredo, with family, a few friends, and later went to my cousin's house to hang out some more. 
• 21 - Went to Chili's with my parents and siblings, and had an alcoholic beverage, I think the Presidente Margarita, and drank it...but didn't finish it. 
• 22 - Parents were out of town. I hosted a party at my house, with their permission, and invited my music major friends, and a few professors I started to establish friendships with. I also invited my Godparents. It was my intention to bring together 3 different circles of friends: classmates, professors, and family. The evening was slightly socially awkward as I spent more time with my classmates than my profs and Godparents, leaving them to entertain themselves. The profs and Godparents left, and the classmates stayed to party more. 
• 23 - In grad school, and went to a meeting of the American Sign Language Club where I received my official name sign. It was so exciting! 
• 24 - Still in grad school, went to San Antonio to a gay karaoke club with a small group of friends and my boyfriend at the time. It was there I got drunk for the first time, and it was a horrible experience...the getting drunk part. 
• 25 - Working on my thesis and living with my partner whom I met 5 months earlier. Parents, sister, bro-in-law, nephew and niece came to Austin, and we ate dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant. We also had breakfast at a local favorite restaurant. 
• 26 - My first year teaching. I don't really remember what happened that day. 
• 27 - Started teaching at a new school. Got a nice treat out with my co-workers, sweet birthday cards, and a BIG candy from other teachers. Frank and I had moved into our house, and I sat with him at the breakfast table starting to cry because I was upset that I no longer felt the excitement and "magic" of birthdays. I didn't care that I was turning 27, I was just depressed that, for the first time ever, I wasn't excited about my birthday.
• 28 - At my current school, my team decorated my classroom, made me a beautiful card, and took me to lunch. A lovely day. 
• 29 - Same team surprised me with hysterical cards as I repeated how it was my last year in my 20s. They took me out to lunch, and we had a wonderful time together.

If I take a moment, I'm in awe as to how blessed I am in EVERY aspect of my life:

• I don't just have shelter. I have a home I love and can afford. 
• I don't just live with a friend. I have a life partner who accepts me as I am completely, and loves me, unconditionally without reservation, who is honest with me, makes me laugh...hard...respects me, guides me, teaches me, and pushes me to become a better me. 
• I'm not taking any prescription medication that my life depends on to function. I'm completely healthy. 
• I'm not just educated, I hold a Bachelor's and Master's degree. 
• I don't just have a job. I have a career that I'm good at, that I was trained for, that I enjoy, and get paid to do. You can't have a better situation than that. 
• I not only have a car, but I drive THE car I wanted. 
• My parents are alive, healthy, and still happily married for almost 40 years. They're also totally supportive of my partner's and my relationship.
• My siblings are happily married, healthy, and proud parents of great kids. 
• I don't just have money, but I'm in a financially manageable position that will be improving greatly very soon.
• I don't just have friends, I have BEST friends who love me, encourage me, and support me in everything I am and do. 
• I don't just speak English, I also speak Spanish, know Sign Language, and have excellent spelling and grammar skills.
• I don't just have colleagues, but colleagues that feel like family. 
• I don't just have bosses, but I have leaders who treat me with respect, dignity, and are always there to support me.
• I don't just have kids, but I have the best dogs I've ever had. 

I could go on and on, but it's now going to be 10pm, and I should've been in bed about 30 minutes ago.

Thank you God for each and every blessing that surrounds me on a daily basis! I know I don't deserve my blessings, but the depths of my gratitude are unending! I really look at everything that's part of my life, and know I've done nothing to deserve any of it.

Thank you parents and siblings for pushing me, loving me, and teaching me how to get to the successful life I live today.

Thank you, friends, who laugh at my stupid jokes, especially the irreverent ones, for forgiving me when I make mistakes that hurt you, and for letting me be me.

I want to name names of people who have been very important in this decade of my life, but if I do that, I'll be here even longer when I should really be in bed.

If you're reading this, and you know me personally somehow, thank you for being in my life and making it worthwhile.

*sigh* Okay, 30s. Here we go.

I have a (stupid) problem that's all in my head

My partner Frank went to the University of Texas at Austin and is therefore a Longhorn. My brother and some other extended family are Longhorns. My mentor in college who changed my life in helping me start my career is a Longhorn. I live in Austin, home of the Longhorns. Cars everywhere (including Frank's) are adorned with chrome Longhorn emblems. Our home address (and other neightbors' addresses) are painted in burnt orange on driveway entrance with the Longhorn logo in white. We have a MASSIVE Bevo stuffed animal that we won at Dave & Busters (an adult Chuck E. Cheese). Frank owns several Longhorn polo shirts and t-shirts.We have Longhorn decor inside our home. Frank's car also has a UT license plate frame, and tire caps.

Here's my problem. I never attended UT, and in my mind, I can't buy myself any merchandise supporting a university I never attended, much less never graduated from.

*sigh* I know it's no big deal. There are plenty of people all decked out in their UT glory, and they'll do it for one, some, or all of the following reasons:

1. They graduated from UT.
2. They're hardcore college football fans and are die-hard UT supporters.
3. Someone they know goes or went there.
4. They support UT's programs.
5. Anything else that gives them an excuse to buy UT merchandise.

In my mind, I can't personally connect to UT unless I'm a student or alumnus of the university. I've been to college. I attended Texas A&M International University (Dustdevils) in Laredo, my hometown. From there, I was determined to apply and be accepted to UT for my Master's, and got rejected, so I ended up at and graduated from Texas State University (Bobcats - aka Southwest Texas State University). After finishing, I wanted to pursue my Ph.D. at UT, and got rejected again. I believe I could've been accepted to UT as an undergrad, but I elected to stay at home because it would be much less expensive, plus my mentor taught there, and I wanted to stay with him. I don't regret that decision. I'm proud of my education from TAMIU.

But I long to be a Longhorn, an official Longhorn.

The only way for me to conform to my mind's issue is to apply and be accepted to UT to earn another degree, but I already have my Bachelor's and Master's, so all that's left is my Ph.D., and UT Ph.D. programs are EXTREMELY competitive. You stand a much greater chance of being accepted if you're already a UT student, than if you've never been there before. I know which program I'd like to apply for (Music and Human Learning), but I'm not in the position right now to pursue the most difficult degree out there. Not to mention, I probably don't possess the maturity or commitment required of such a demanding program. So I start thinking to myself, Should I get another Bachelor's or Master's degree? If I get another graduate degree, I'd have to take the GRE again...which. I. loathe...and take enough time to brush up on all kinds of things the School of Music would test me on. I know I'm too lazy to commit myself to that...right now, at least.

I've been reminded that since we are season ticket holders to the UT Performing Arts events, I have every reason to buy myself Longhorn merchandise, but to me, it's not the same.

I yearn to be an official Longhorn, especially since I've been denied the opportunity twice.

It's one of my greatest dreams to be a UT student, and hold a diploma from this reputable institution, one that claims "What starts here changes the world." I could be on campus somewhere, walking through and see all the students with backpacks, knowing they're students, and I think to myself, What do they have that I don't?

I've been telling Frank that I want the Ph.D. because it's the highest degree one can earn, and if earned from UT, then your degree has that much more weight (that's just how I see it). I know that if you want a Ph.D. just so you can be addressed as "Dr. So-and-so," that's probably the worst reason to earn one. However, what I'm starting to realize is that I don't just want to have those 3 letters after my name on an e-mail signature or business card. It would be awesome to hold that degree from there, but I just genuinely want to be accepted to UT.

What made this harder to deal with is that since the Ph.D. is the last degree I'd be interested in earning, I refuse to go out of state to earn it. In Texas, I've checked, and without relocating, UT is the closest and ONLY university that offers a Ph.D. in my chosen field...THE ONLY ONE.

I own TAMIU and Texas State merchandise, and I wear and use them with great pride...because I went and graduated from there. I have a TAMIU license plate frame, a Texas Sate Alumni license plate frame, a chrome Bobcat on my car, a TAMIU and Texas State polo and t-shirt, and I still have my old student IDs. Both of my diplomas are proudly framed in my room with their respective pennants right beside them.

But now I feel stuck. I even spoke to my mom about this, and in my current career, teaching elementary music, I'm making the most money I can make since I have a Master's. Earning a Ph.D. would NOT increase my salary at all, so there's no financial incentive. However, Frank's also reminded me that earning a Ph.D or another Bachelor's or Master's could give me different career opportunities as well.

It's such a stupid thing that resides in my mind. And the worst part is that I can't seem to get around it. It feels like I HAVE to be a UT student to truly connect with this city, and all the burnt orange glory that surrounds me daily.

All that being said, "HOOK 'EM!"

Stop it. NOW!

I'm going to warn you that though I try to refrain from using obscenities in my blog, this post will have plenty. What will I discuss? How ANOTHER gay teen has killed himself because of bullying. In this post, I will get political, religious, snarky, rude, and dirty. If you're fine with that, keep reading. If not, close the window reading this quote from Lady Gaga who responded to the boy's suicide:


"Bullying should be illegal. It's a hate crime."

I'm a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher, and I'm openly gay to family, friends, and colleagues. I draw the line with my students. Still, I can't help but wonder what will happen to my 5th graders, especially the boys? What will they be like? How will they treat others different than them? Will they run away in fear and ignorance, or will they stand up for someone bullied and help to stop it? Will they be bullied themselves?

Last year, the nation's attention was given to a crisis in gay teen suicides. This got a hail storm of commentary from progressives and conservatives alike. Last year, we lost plenty of gay teens at such a young age, and I'm sure there were plenty more whose deaths didn't reach the media spotlight the way others' deaths did. Well, it has happened again. Yes, again. What. the. FUCK?! Have we learned NOTHING from last year? Yes, I know Dan Savage created the It Gets Better project, which is a godsend in social issues and suicide prevention. The Trevor Project exists for this very purpose, to prevent a gay kid from taking his or her life!

When I reflect on all this, there are so many things that come to my mind. So many things I want to say, so many people I want to tell off, so many judgments I make about others who SUPPORT anti-gay sentiments.

I remember reading an article about some fucking asshole in the Tea Party who actually said that gay bullying was "healthy peer pressure." What the fuck is this asshole smoking? I guess I better beat up his fat white ass and tell him it's good for him!

Will I put blame on people? Yes, in fact I will. I blame "Christians." I blame socially conservative politicians. If you vote Republican, you have a hand in this too. If you support conservative politicians, they fight against laws that would make life easier for us gay people...let me rephrase that - laws that would make us EQUALS to those hypocritical fuckers! They lecture the rest of us on the importance of ethics and morality while they're on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. Then they have the balls to tell us that gay people getting married will destroy the sanctity of marriage. Sorry, asshole, but you've done that already when you divorced your first wife and cheated on her with a prostitute!

I just want someone to explain to me why if you claim to love God, and chances are that Jamey's bullies came from conservative families (and conservative families typically have strong religious backgrounds), WHY AND HOW COULD YOU PUSH SOMEONE TO COMMIT SUICIDE?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! If you drive someone to suicide, you do realize that the person taking their own life is someone's son or daughter, right? You get that, don't you? Your treatment of that human being was so grotesque and hurtful, that they could NOT cope and felt that death was a better option than facing you. How can you be so cruel and heartless?! This kind of thing is beyond my comprehension!

"Well, in the Bible it says..." Bull-fucking-shit! You use the Bible to justify all your hatred and prejudice. Get a fucking dictionary, and find a Biblical scholar and learn about the context in which all that was written. You wanna quote Leviticus? Fine. If you keep reading, unless you're not formally educated enough to read all those big words, you'd also see how it also bans eating seafood (shellfish) and playing football (pig skin)! Hell, you heteros aren't even allowed to touch a woman when she's on her period!

"Well, St. Paul said this in his letter..." Wait. Was he God? NO! He was a human being just like you. Back then, they knew NOTHING about what we know now regarding sexuality! Hell, even back then, some Greek men were fucking each other. Romans did it too!

To me, the most important part of the Bible is the gospels, you know, where Jesus is actually quoted. And nowhere...NOWHERE does he ever mention homosexuality. He never condemns it. The closest he ever comes, to condemning anything, in fact, is when that adulteress cries at his feet, and when she says that no one has condemned her, he says, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now, and sin no more." Look it up. It's there.

I dare you...I *DARE* YOU to bully someone with Jesus right next to you. Oh wait...if you consider yourself a Christian, then you already believe that God is everywhere, and lives within us, right? So when you BULLY someone, you're DIRECTLY. HURTING. GOD!

So many of you Christians are so fucking backwards in your thinking! You treat this religion like it's some sort of elite club and you can be all exclusive and stay away from all the sinners. News flash: YOU'RE A SINNER TOO! And when you BULLY, YOU'RE SINNING! BULLYING IS A SIN because you're HURTING someone else! This automatically violates the whole Golden Rule that Jesus himself mentioned about loving others as yourself. And then you have the balls to tell your victim that THEY are going to hell? What the fucking fuck is wrong with YOU? You're a HYPOCRITE!

Every slur, every insult, every joke is another stab to the chest. When you bully, you're sending a message that your victim's existence is not welcome in your world. And you know what? Your victim had no control over their own birth. So why do you have to hate on them? WHY? What good does it bring about? You're not making anything better, only worse.

To anyone out there who's been a bully to someone else for any reason:

FUCK. YOU.